Hello, Again.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been here.  I honestly forgot about the blog until recently.

Life has been busy.

Hub has traveled to Michigan multiple times for work this year.  In fact he is on his way back home from Michigan right now.

The oldest is now a freshman in high school and the youngest is in 7th grade.  We are busy with football and marching band.

I recently gave up my trading license and am studying for a new license.  It’s been a pain.

Honestly, I’m exhausted – mentally and physically right now.

S’s parents moved out of our subdivision this summer and I haven’t seen her or her truck in months.

Hub received a text from a phone number he didn’t recognize a few weeks ago on his normal day off.  The message said “when you have time can you come to ____ (the location given was a specific machine in the factory)?  Hub replied “who is this?”.  No reply.  I’ve wondered if that message was from S.  I’ve wondered if she now works in his old area of the factory on a different shift.  Maybe that’s part of the reason I don’t see her anymore.  Fine by me.

I’ve had mixed feelings about him traveling so much this year.  It’s been both good and bad.  Like everything else in life I suppose.

It’s been 3 years now.  I still think about the affairs a lot, but not everyday.  I have lost interest in sex.  I’m still disgusted knowing he had sex with them (S & M).

My doctor’s appointments are every 6 months now.  My last 2 tests have come back negative.  So that’s positive – lol!

Otherwise, there hasn’t been a whole lot to write about, so I’ve just stayed quiet.  Which seems to be the way I have become in general.  I don’t talk as much now as I used to.

Recovery is a long process…and it seems the further out you go the less noticeable the changes get.

XO

 

 

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Feeling Uncomfortable

Maybe it’s that I’m 2 months from 40.

Maybe it’s that I’ve lost and gained back several pounds over the past 2 years.

Maybe it’s that I’m busy carting kids & sitting on bleachers instead of running and working out like I used to.

But whatever it is, I look different.

And I don’t like it.

Some would say “you can change it”.  I’m sure I could.
The bottom line is I’m not interested in getting up at 4a.m.  So, maybe I’m not unsatisfied enough with the way I look.

My self-esteem took a hit after D-day anyway.  I don’t think it’s ever recovered.

My formerly flat, tight belly now resembles my 14 year ago post-pregnancy belly.  It’s soft and squishy.  Stark white.  Ugly.  Stretched out belly button.  Ugh.

I haven’t gained any weight in the last year.  I’m not technically over weight.  But somehow this change has taken place.

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

But to be honest – I haven’t felt comfortable with any aspect of myself since D-day.  I’m trying to figure out who I am.  I lost who I was.  I changed.  I’m still changing.  Now I’m trying to figure out what I look like.

Do we ever reach a point where we find ourselves and are happy with who we find at the end of this?

 

 

It Gets Old… OR How NOT To Behave If You Are The Other Woman

I couldn’t settle on a title…so I went with both.  And both seem to fit – you’ll figure out why in a minute.  Warning: it’s a little long.

For the most part things on the homefront are still the same.  Good days with bad days mixed in.  Some weeks it’s bad days with good days mixed in.  But, I’ve decided that’s probably just the way it goes at this point.

Things are picking up pace around here, and the hecticness of our life seems to compound the bad days.  I think I just start to feel more disconnected (we are still struggling to connect anyway.  More accurately, I am struggling to connect) from Hub when we are passing each other on the road (he is heading home from coaching while I am heading to the school for a practice or a meeting).  It’s kind of like I said from the beginning, married life (especially married with kids) is difficult enough.  Don’t add to it by having an affair!

BUT – my husband did…and here we sit.

I mentioned early on in my blogging that my brother had cheated on my (now ex-) sister-in-law.  His cheating didn’t stop…hence the now ex- part.  I don’t hold anything against her – in fact my entire family has a great relationship with her (whereas we haven’t spoken to my brother in several months).  The failings are all on my brother.  She wanted a marriage and family.  He wants easy sex.

So…if you are ready for a complicated story hang on, because here it comes.

While my brother was married to my (ex-) sister-in-law he cheated on her with a woman I’ll call Jean.  Jean ended up pregnant.  My brother confessed his affair, boo-hooed, went to counseling, and my brother and sister-in-law ended up back together.  We thought all was well.

Five years go by and my sister-in-law throws him out.  He had told her he was still cheating on her, so I don’t blame her.  Obviously, he wasn’t willing to work on the marriage.

He immediately moved in with Megan (the woman he was cheating on my sister-in-law with).  My sister-in-law filed for divorce.  They have been in court for 2 years – the divorce was just finalized 2 weeks ago.  He hasn’t kept up on his child support for the three kids he has with her, or the one he has with Jean.  I’m not happy with his choices.  I just keep saying “this is not how we were raised”.

Last night as I was sitting at the football field I got a text from my sister.  “Check your ‘hidden’ Facebook messages.  I just found one from Megan that she sent me on Monday.”

We’ve never met Megan or talked to Megan.  The only thing we know about her is that our brother moved in with her after my sister-in-law kicked him out.

I checked my Facebook messages and sure enough, I had one too.

“Hi, you don’t know me but I’ve been in a relationship with your brother for almost 2 years.  I know you probably haven’t heard from him because he’s too chicken, but he took off with a girl named *Lola Davis.  She’s 24, and 12 years his junior.  They left together last Tuesday and abandoned all their belongings and pets.  His car was also impounded a few weeks ago and he never got it out.  As far as I know they’ve been staying in a hotel in *San Jose, technically, they’re homeless.  I haven’t heard from him since last Wednesday.  He also hasn’t paid child support for (Jean’s daughter) for sometime and when he goes to court next month there’s a chance he’ll go to jail.  This seems to be his pattern though. Once a cheating, lying bastard, always a cheating lying bastard.”

Yeah. So…

Let’s start with the first title of my post: “It Gets Old”.

It Gets Old.  As in, my brother’s behavior is getting old.  As in, his wake of destruction is getting old.  As in, hearing about affairs every time I turn around is getting old.  I’m tired of hearing about affairs.  I’m tired of this being common place.  I’m tired of people throwing around the affair conversation, like they are talking about the weather.  There may very well be someone you are talking to who is going through this very thing!!  HUSH!  They don’t want to hear it!!  It’s all over “news” feeds, trending topics, in water cooler conversations, and songs….and ENOUGH!!!!!!

Words of advice:

  • if you are a married man having an affair – put your penis back in your pants, go home and either file for divorce or FIX your marriage, but do not be a selfish coward & keep both women on the hook!!  
  • if you are a married woman having an affair – put on your bra & big girl panties & deal with real life the way grown women do.  Either file for divorce or FIX your marriage!  MAKE A DECISION!!
  • if you are a single man or single woman having an affair with a married person – wow.  You have high relationship goals don’t you?  Think about that for just a minute – then get dressed, walk out the door & don’t look back.  Want better for yourself.    
  • if you are a person talking about the latest affair you just heard about –  DON’T.  There is probably a person standing near you who is dealing with it personally – they DON’T want to hear it! 

 

Now…on the second title:  “How NOT To Behave If You Are The Other Woman”.

How Not To Behave If You Are The Other Woman.  Shall I just make notes in her message?  Yes…I think that will be easier.

Hi, you don’t know me but I’ve been in a relationship with your brother for almost 2 years.  Nice to meet you, I guess.  I don’t know what to say to that.  Anyhow, since he’s only been divorced 2 weeks, that means he was cheating with you when he was married. In other words…you were willing to start a relationship with a man who was lying and cheating??  Perhaps you should set your sights a little higher?  I know you probably haven’t heard from him because he’s too chicken, but he took off with a girl named *Lola Davis.  No, as a matter of fact, I haven’t heard from him.  But, then again, I didn’t hear from him much after my sister-in-law kicked him out.  I chalk it up to embarrassment…but, yeah chicken probably works too.  Either way, you seem surprised he “ran off” with another woman.  Refer to response #1.  She’s 24, and 12 years his junior.  I’m not sure age matters so much when people are willing to be immoral.  But, you seem concerned.  Personally, I’d be more concerned that he was probably having sex with her while he was living with you.  Go get tested.  He probably gave you an STD.  Seriously. They left together last Tuesday and abandoned all their belongings and pets.  Again.  You seem shocked.  He essentially walked out on his wife and 3 kids to shack up with you. Yeah, you could argue she threw him out, but he had already walked out, emotionally. However, if you are that concerned with his abandoned items and pets my suggestion is to sell his stuff & give his pets away to a good home.  Use the money to buy something pretty. Like a new septum ring.  His car was also impounded a few weeks ago and he never got it out. Now, that I actually did know.  My sister-in-law told my mom.  The towing company will take it to auction.  It’ll be ok.  As far as I know they’ve been staying in a hotel in *San Jose, technically, they’re homeless.  I’m shocked they have the money to pay for a hotel, but then again I don’t know anything about Lola.  Maybe she has a good job!  Good for her!  I haven’t heard from him since last Wednesday.  Well, you’ve got me beat.  He also hasn’t paid child support for (Jean’s daughter) for sometime and when he goes to court next month there’s a chance he’ll go to jail.  So, what you are telling me is, not only did you start a relationship with a man knowing he was married with children, but you were also well aware of the fact that he had another child from another affair??  And, that not only does he not physically or emotionally support his family, he doesn’t support them financially either??  None of that bothered you before now????  So far your moral compass isn’t registering due north either.  But, yes, we are all aware he hasn’t kept up on his support.  And, perhaps he will go to jail, however he is probably also aware that jails are overcrowded, and therefore won’t be there long.  They will release him, in order to keep some of the more “dangerous” criminals.  Either way, he dug his own hole.  Someday it will catch up with him.  This seems to be his pattern though. Well, it took you a while to catch on, but I’m glad you finally did.  Hopefully, you’ll be a little more discerning with the next relationship.  Once a cheating, lying bastard, always a cheating lying bastard.” Well, I personally think people can change, if they want to.  The problem is, he doesn’t want to. So, for him, this may be true.  What I’d like to know however is what you hoped to accomplish by sending this.  

1).  He is a grown man.  What would you like me to do?

2).  I don’t even live there.  So again, what would you like me to do?

3).  Do you feel better?

4).  If you ever contact my mother again, we will have words.  She did not raise her son this way, but he is still her son.  His choices are hurting her.  Don’t add to that.  

 

Anywho…that’s the latest from this corner of the world.

 

 

 

 

When Do You Say “Good-bye”?

It’s been a few months since I last posted.

For various reasons.

One reason is because my personal life has just been a bit busy.  It’s summertime.  I don’t care what anyone says.  Summertime with kids is just as hectic as the school year with kids!  Vacation, reunion, taking the kids to the pool, carting them to the fair, or practice…basically part-time, volunteer, cabdriver.  But that’s a year-round position these days.

Another reason I haven’t posted is because of work.  Things at work are a little bit strained. They have decided to hire someone else.  Which would be fine, except due to the circumstances it has left a sour taste in my mouth.  I am now in the process of studying for a new license (a new position).  And of course I can’t study at work – so I have to study in my “free” time (see above…obviously that’s next to none).  If this doesn’t work out…well…I guess I take my current license and go job hunting.  Which I don’t want to do, but when the new girl gets paid more money to study than I do (with a license), being told you’re too valuable to move up to a new position…well, you kind of start to feel like a $2 hooker (bad blog site for that pun – sorry).

But, the last reason I haven’t posted much is of course affair related.

It’s been 2 years since D-day.  Actually 2 years, 5 months and 12 days since my entire life drastically changed (but who’s counting, right?).  In that time I’ve have hundreds of emotional break-downs, multiple emotional blow-ups, thousands of triggers, 7 doctors appointments, 1 biopsy, 1 STD, 1 medical procedure from aforementioned STD, read numerous books, immersed myself in articles and blogs about affairs and recovery….and I’ve had a billion thoughts…about everything in my life.

I’ve counted the cost of his affairs.  It’s a lot.  Mostly to me (that’s just my opinion – not sure if he feels the same or not, but it really doesn’t matter).

In counting the cost, I’ve realized that I want to get distance from his affairs.  I want to move forward in my life.  But how?

I spent probably a year (maybe more) trying to distance myself from the affairs by mentally “undoing” my life.  I was desperately wishing (as though it would change things) I could undo certain parts of my life.  Trying to find one key piece that I could undo. Meeting my husband, dating my husband, marrying my husband, him working out of state, him using a cell phone, or him working where he works, meeting the people he met…what 1 thing could I change that would erase all of this??

It didn’t matter.

No matter what I “undid”, the reality was…it was still done.

So, I read, watched & listened to books, videos, blogs, podcasts – all on affairs and affair recovery.  Trying to figure out how to heal and how on earth to move forward with my life.

No matter what I read, watched or listened to, the reality was still there at the end of the book, video or chapter.

He cheated.

He lied.

He stole the dreams I had for our future.

And in many ways, he stole my past.  Or how I remember it at least.

I still feel a hole.

And again, something inside me kept crying out “distance”.

Then it made sense.

As I watched a video one day about affair recovery I had a thought out of nowhere “how long do I watch these?  How long do I read these books?  When do I say goodbye to living as a woman trying to recover from her husband’s affairs and start to live as the woman I am?  When do I stop allowing myself to be defined by my husband’s affairs – as a betrayed woman?  Am I broken? Yes.  But aren’t we all? ”

So, I haven’t been reading about affair recovery or watching videos about affair recovery.

I found my distance.

And in many ways I’m much happier.

By not watching the videos or reading the books or blogs I’m not denying my reality.  I’m just refusing to soak myself in it.

When you’ve been burned by a fire you don’t soak yourself in gasoline.  And I think that’s what I had been doing.

I still have triggers & bad days.  But, ironically I have fewer now than I had when I was actively reading and watching (“trying to heal”).

Distance.

I found it.

I no longer feel like I’m running after healing (which I think I actually viewed as running away from his affairs).  I now feel like I’m healing by mentally strolling through the park, feeling the sun on my face, the breeze in my hair & listening to the birds sing a sweet tune.

And no, I’m not saying “goodbye” to blogging for good.

~RH

 

 

The Struggle is Real…part 2

As I mentioned yesterday things have been a struggle lately.

After typing it out (which allows me to think about it) I realized this tends to be a pattern we go through every few months.

Something happens, either his end or mine…(I haven’t figured that out yet)…but what I do notice is the touches come less frequently, I begin to feel rejected, I pull back, he begins to feel rejected, he pulls back…and before you know it we have both pulled away.

Last night he had a game.  He asked if I was going to go.  I asked him if he wanted me to (notice: feeling rejected – I don’t want to be there if I’m not wanted).  He said yes, but understood if I didn’t want to go because it was cold & wet outside and he knows I have been a little under the weather.  I decided to go.

Last night as we laid in bed, he put his arm around me & pulled me close to him.  I told him I need that & have needed it.  I told him it lets me know he loves me.

He said “I do love you.”

I said, “well, that just helps me to know.”

I know I have explained that to him many times before…and every time I hope it will sink in.

I know touch & time are the most important to me (in love language speak), but I almost feel like the level of  importance of those two things has skyrocketed since D-day.  Perhaps because I feel words are cheap, given that he was telling me he lies during the duration of BOTH affairs.  But time & touch…well, during his second affair he stopped touching me & time….well, time was given to them & taken from me.

I do think this is a rough patch…although that doesn’t make the patch any less thorny to walk through.

After reading through comments on yesterday’s post I was reminded that 2 years in the world of affair recovery is not that long.  I guess in my mind 2 years was the magic number.  I suppose I had read somewhere that “recovery” takes on average 2 years…and I probably held on to that making it my magic number.  Perhaps there is no magic number for healing and/or recovery.  And, FYI, I HATE that there is no road map for this journey.  I am a logical, planning type person.  So to not have a plan to go through each day with emotions swinging from one moment to the next, without any sort of plan as to why, when, or even for how long has been enough to drive me half nuts.

But…this is the road I am on.

Sometime I hit a patch of road with light.

Other times I’m in a dark tunnel with broken head lights.

~RH

 

The Struggle is Real

You guys.

Seriously.

I’m struggling.

HARD.

It’s been over 2 years.

Why am I still struggling so much?

Here’s the deal:

We text ok a couple times during the day.  Nice little kissy faces and what-not.

Then we get home.

Boom.

Nothing.

Barely speak.

No touching.

ZIP.  ZELCH.  ZERO.

When he does speak to me he is bitey.  (Is that a word?)

And me?  I get bitey back.

I’ve also started to wonder where his loyalty lies?

Case in point: last night I took my daughter to her sports physical.  Around here the sports physicals for the next school year are done in May at a local school, and are free.  So, I took her.  The nurse heard something wonky with her heart.  Stopped the physical and told her to make an appointment with her doctor.

So we get home and I tell my husband.

NOTHING.

NO words.

I ask him what is wrong.  He gets bitey with me “What am I doing now to make you think something is wrong?”.

My reply?

No words.  Went to sleep.

This morning I get a text from him “are you going to call the doctor for her today?  I can take her if you make it for my day off.  Should she be doing sports?”

I text him back and told him she probably has what I have (or something similar).  No big deal.

He says “I don’t want her being one of these kids that drops over dead while playing sports.”

I replied “I run”.

So, are you telling me you are worried about our daughter’s heart, but not mine?  (Am I reading too much in to this?)

What happened?

Seriously.  For about the first year after D-day, things were going fairly well…all things considered.

Now…this.

What gives?

Yes.  The struggle is real.

~RH

 

I Did It Again

After hub moved back home it was still a while before we had sex.

I don’t remember me crying after the first time (post D-day), but I know it was early on in our efforts at reconciliation that I would burst into tears immediately after (and sometimes even during) our love making.

Every.single.time.

It hurt so much to know he had no regard for me.

I was disposable to him.

I had loved him so much.

Yet all of that love meant nothing to him.

Why couldn’t he love me as much as I had loved him?

At one point (prior to D-day) I had a man chasing me relentlessly.  I had plenty of opportunities to cheat on Hub.  And it’s not that I never found the other man attractive or charming.  He was.

But I still NEVER cheated.

Because I made a promise to Hub.

Why was his promise a “pie crust promise” (as Mary Poppins says)?

Why was mine not?

My head would spin after we made love “were they better than me?”  “Do they look better?”  “Why does this hurt so much?”  “When will the hurt go away?”  “WHY?”

I reached a point a while back when I posted on here that I didn’t feel anything for him any more.  I love him, because I choose to love him, but I don’t feel any feelings of love toward him.

I realized one night I had stopped crying.

But I also felt dirty and empty.

When we had sex I knew he was making love to me (it wasn’t just sex), yet everything inside me screamed “I don’t want to do this”, but I would force myself anyway.  I don’t know why.

Then….after…I would feel hollow.

But I didn’t cry.

And it was kind of nice to not cry any more.

But I hated the feeling of wanting to scream during and hollowness after.

Last night was different.

I cried again.

And my head swirled wondering, “why does this still hurt?  It’s been 26 months!”

And I realized, it wouldn’t hurt if I didn’t love him.

Maybe the feelings are coming back.

Either way, the pain is better than emptiness.

~RH

 

 

Stare Down

Friday I had a mentally taxing day at work.  Busy from the moment I walked in, until I walked out.  Nearly every day last week I ate lunch at my desk & was interrupted mid-bite.  Earlier in the week I received some news about government (I’ll keep my remarks to myself) changes to our industry, which will directly affect my job.

Needless to say, I was glad to walk out the door Friday afternoon for the weekend.

Oh.  But then.

I’ve mentioned before that S lives around the corner from me.  And in fact her mother lives just a few doors down from me.  So, I have the misfortune of seeing S much more often than I would like.

So, on my way home I drove past her mother’s house & there she was.  Getting out of her truck.

And she proceeded to stare me down.

Really?

Let me get this straight.  You willingly had sex with my husband (KNOWING full well he was married & we had just had a vacation to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary), and you want to stare me down?

Are you completely crazy?

What part of this “arrangement” confused you?

The fact that he was married?

That he would most likely regret having sex with you?

That he would choose his wife over you?

Ok.  Sure.  Stare me down.

It shows far more about you than you realize.

It shows you don’t regret your choice to nearly rip a family to shreds.  It shows you thought you would win, but didn’t.  It shows you have malice in your heart for the innocent.  It shows you are selfish, childish, weak, cold, and heartless.  It shows you are guilty of so much more.

Purity of heart and a genuine love is something you don’t possess.

I pity you.

 

 

Testing, Testing

For those of you who are fairly new here, you may not be aware of the health issues hubs affairs have caused me.

Early last month I was scheduled for another test.

About a week before my test I had a complete melt-down.  I laid in bed one Friday night and sobbed.  I was fearing the worst; hoping for the best.

Struggling with my (still) new reality.

My life now consists of going to the doctor a minimum of every 4 months; sometimes as much as every 3 weeks.

Because of my husband.

I didn’t make this choice.  I wasn’t even the one stupid enough to do this.  But, I’m the one that has to deal with it.

He listened to me cry.

And then he said, “I’m going through it with you.  And I live with the guilt of knowing I did this to you.”

I know what he’s saying.

But, that’s not the reality of the situation.

So, I told him.

“But, see, you’re not.  This is my body.  Not yours.  The reality of it is, you can walk out the door tomorrow.  And I’m still here, living this.  Day in & day out.  Doctor’s appointments & procedures…it’s me that has to do this.  With or without you.”

Does he understand?

Will he ever?

He made choices for me.

Choices I would have never made for myself.

So, I went back to the doctor for another test.

The results came back about 3 weeks ago.

Still no changes.

I was so hopeful that this time the test would come back clear.

I was so hopeful that they (the women) would finally be out of my body.

 

So, I wait for re-test #3 in early June.

~RH

 

 

Self-description Reveals More Than We Know

If I were to ask you to describe yourself in one word, what would that word be?

Now, if I told you the word you use to describe yourself would be printed on a T-shirt that you would wear in public, would you change your word?

Hang on to that thought…I’m going somewhere with this.

This morning I was scrolling through Facebook, which I admit I hate, but enjoy being able to see what my out-of-state relatives and friends are up to (*sigh*) so…I continue to get on each day.

Anyway, I was on Facebook and happened upon a picture of my husband’s AP#1.  I have blocked her, however, I cannot block everyone in this town…and of course she has managed to have a friend here and there (amazing – I know).  So, there she was with a couple other people.

What I noticed above everything else in that photo was her shirt that read “B!*** #1”.

I’ll be honest, my first thought was “wow, I couldn’t have said it better myself.  Anyone woman who willingly has sex with a married man is certainly a b!***.  At least she knows it & admits it!”

That thought quickly gave way to “how low class!  But then again, she is.  Who wears something like that?!?!  Obviously, she finds it funny, which makes it even more low class.  Just more proof he affaired down.”

Then, I actually began to feel sorry for her.

Perhaps she has never learned to think of others first, which is why she has sex with married men (or at least one married man).

Perhaps she has never learned to expect more of herself.

Perhaps she has never learned to view herself as more than just a “b!***”.

Because, although we shouldn’t think too highly of ourselves, ultimately how we view ourselves plays a part in how others begin to define us.

Perhaps she has never learned, that right or wrong, people will see how you present yourself and judge accordingly.

Perhaps she has never learned that when you present yourself wrapped in packaging that says “B!***”, people will treat you as such.

Perhaps she has never learned that when you willingly demean yourself with slanderous words people view you as having low class and poor character.

While I feel these are things that we should teach our daughters (and sons) at a young age, they are not lessons that are beyond our grasp as we grow older.  If she had a parent who did not instill these truths in her as a child, they are still lessons she could learn as an adult.

And although I believe someone in their 40’s could still learn these lessons, I believe it becomes more unlikely with each passing year.

So, she either has an unwillingness to learn these lessons or has an inability to learn these lessons.

To be unwilling to learn reveals laziness, stubbornness, and/or an arrogance that will handicap her for the rest of her life.

To be unable to learn is in itself a handicap.

Unwilling or unable.

Either way, her life will continue pour forth the very life which she pours in to it.

She is poison to her own life.

And herein enters my sorrow.

When someone (either knowingly or unknowingly) is their own poison, I find that sad.

Their life could have been so much more.

~RH