My Fear

Confession time.

Have you ever seen a movie where a man had an affair and years later the now teenage or adult children find out?

I have.

And you know what I’ve noticed the most about those movies?

The reaction of the grown children.

They are almost always mad at the mother that she took him back!  They spend days, weeks or sometimes years hating the woman who cared for them while her husband waffled about which woman he loved.  This same woman, who kept her pain secret for years in hopes of not only keeping her family in tact, but with a greater hope of thriving…is now hated by her own children.

Why aren’t they ever mad at the father for cheating?  For potentially destroying their family?

I don’t understand.

But that’s my fear.

I don’t want my children to hate their father for the choices he made.

But, I don’t want to be hated for mine either.

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8 thoughts on “My Fear

  1. That’s movies for you. Some movies will also tell you how wonderful affairs are, but that’s a load, too. I’m sure it happens, but I’d be surprised if that’s the common reaction. That’s not to say your fear is invalid, though. Your husband has put you in a bad position and it sucks for a lot of reasons. But you have to do what you feel is right. If your children ever find out, they will make their own decisions and they may be wrong. As much as that would hurt, that is on them, not you.

    As a cheater myself, I’m going to teach my children the importance of grace, repentance, and forgiveness. That way when they do eventually find out (because I do plan on telling them some day), they will hopefully react in a loving way and not a judgmental way. It’s still a gamble, but I hope they will learn from my and my wife’s examples. Unfortunately, I can’t undo what I’ve done so I don’t have any other choice.

    Now if I went out and had another affair, that’s another matter entirely…

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  2. My children are adults and have just recently found out about my husbands long term affair. Our son wouldn’t talk to him at all for awhile but has slowly started letting him back in. At first our daughter was his greatest ally-not necessarily against me just worried about her dad but now the shock of the whole thing has worn off and she is furious with him. As adults, they have adult hindsight and perspective. They put a lot together all on their own-the same way we realized after DDay certain things we believed over the years were just a cover for his lies. Love your kids. Teach them grace and forgiveness and on their own I believe they will see the incredible strength it took to stay. I recognize in my kids the same emotions I went thru the first few weeks. Was their whole life a lie? Etc. It is a process for them too. And it will be excruciating for you to watch. But they will get thru it. And prayerfully, so will we.

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    1. Oh Ella! First of all – I’m so sorry for your family. Secondly, thank you for your comments! It gives me great hope!
      I have decided not to tell them (at least not until they are older) because I don’t want them to hurt like I have and still am. But I hadn’t even considered that initial shock of “has my whole life been a lie”! Thank you for mentioning that! Perhaps I should take some time over these next few years to write some letters for them to open after they find out.

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      1. 15gen I don’t know how old your kids are and that would make a HUGE difference. For what it’s worth, I only found out about a year ago. We decided not to tell our adult kids right away simply because the pain was so overwhelming, we wanted to get to the other side of it a bit first. In hindsight I wish we would have just told right away. It was a huge monkey on my husbands back knowing someday he would have to tell them and I think it made our progress that much harder-and God knows it was impossible to begin with!! And then when he did tell them, it honestly opened everything up like it had just happened. JUST LIKE DDAY. I didn’t expect that. I also wasn’t prepared for the depth of my kids pain and that their emotions would mirror all I had been thru so closely. So sorry you are going thru this awful nightmare too. Just wanted to add two more cents.

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  3. I have told my children some bit of it. They are 11, soon to be 6 tomorrow, 4, and 1. Ok, ok Squish (the 1 year old could care less)
    My children know their father pretended to be his AP’s friend and family friend. Their father was hurting and destroying that family, and their father pretended another woman was his wife.

    They also know his AP was doing the same thing to our family and cannot be in our lives anymore but we can pray for their family and want good for them.

    P.S. It’s so hard to listen to their prayers for that woman but maybe one day my heart will soften

    But if the woman hadn’t been someone we are so close too then maybe I wouldn’t have told them anything.

    They know I am angry their father lied to me many times and how our relationship is broken. But I do love their Dad and am learning to forgive him.

    P.S. by forgive him I’m not sure what that looks like I still hate him.. but I can pray for him, treat him kindly, train our children to love and respect him, and do the Love Dare. So maybe in time I will understand what true forgiveness it

    I do worry what I’m doing will strongly affect my kids outlook of me when they are older. Because I want the full truth to be told to them one day.. but who knows that is a long time from now and details don’t matter. I just don’t think I would want the same for them. I would keep that man away from my daughter’s and find them a life away from their cheating husbands or wife

    I know super hypocritical. But I have no where to go my parents are just as hard-off when I was little. There was no shelter for me to run to except the arms of Jesus and that was not easy either because I’m still irritated with looking at the blessings about this marriage after infidelity. But alas that is how I would see this for my kids and they would say but you stayed.. and I would tell them that’s a whole different story..

    But I’ve yet to come out of the fire.. so we’ll see

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  4. Our older two kids (late teens) know about their father’s affair, partly because my husband was stupid enough to involve the whore in his business and our personal life. My daughter suspected them LONG before I did, in fact. My kids also know partly because the whore told them after the affair ended. She went total bunny boiler and began to stalk and harass me and my kids via every social media outlet she could. She revealed numerous gory details as well. Things no child should have to read. Because this all came out in an uncontrolled manner, it was even more devastating. We had planned to tell them at a time and in a manner, of our own choosing. As Christians, we believe in grace and forgiveness. We see this as an opportunity to show the kids we walk our faith, we don’t just talk it. As they get older and closer to being married themselves, we plan to discuss boundaries in marriage and with members of the opposite sex. We don’t ever want them to fall into the trap of infidelity.

    Has the knowledge of his affair impacted their relationship with him? Yes. Terribly. Mostly the impact occurred during the affair, when they were robbed of a father. The time and attention it takes to build an affair comes from somewhere, and that place is almost always time that could and should have been spent with the spouse and children. It is also shocking to them to know their father was capable of betraying our family. It has taken time and work, but it is all slowly healing. I trust that eventually, while it will never be the same, it will be very strong again.

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  5. I appreciate talking about this with you and that you are a believer. You have told your kids all they need to know. My heart would break hearing my kids pray for her. Oy. But what an awesome testimony you will have for your kids. And I know for myself, any peace I have comes from knowing I am trying to do what I think God wants me too. I am thankful I have my family close and my husband is paying my rent etc. I just don’t trust it I guess. And my babies are grown. You are a strong woman of God and inspire me. Keep writing please. The good, the bad, and the ugly. So sorry we are in this club together. It is stinking awful.

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