The Reason I’m Here

When I first started down this road of healing, I found it helpful to read what other betrayed wives had written (some blogs did not help, so be careful with what you choose to read).

It helped me to understand:

  1. what I was feeling.  Because often times I couldn’t put it in to words.  But when I would read the words I was feeling it soothed my heart.
  2. that I wasn’t alone!  A betrayed wife often thinks she is the only wounded soul walking this big earth.  That’s not true!  Many of us have been there, done that, and have the scars to prove it.
  3. there are brighter days coming.  In the first few days (after D-day) my counselor told me that healing from an affair is not like going through a dark tunnel, where you suddenly see light as you are nearing the end.  He said healing from an affair is more like driving down a long and winding tree-lined road.  Some times you are in the sunlight, then as you make that ever so gentle bend you will end up in the shadows.  But, another bend is coming that will put you back in the sunlight, so just keep driving.

That’s part of the reason for this blog.  I want to help you, the hurting spouse.   So, some of my posts will be taken straight from the pages of my journal in the days that followed D-day.  Some of my posts are thoughts or feelings I am having now.

I want to touch your heart.  And give you hope.

Because I know you feel hopeless.

You feel lost.

Part of me hopes show “the other woman” or potential “other woman” the side they don’t see – the side of the hurt wife.  And I pray they will bow out of that relationship with grace and dignity.

The last reason is to help me.  I’m still driving down that long winding road.  Some days I’m in the shadows; other days in the sun.

I’m not healed.  I know that.

It’s only been 6 months.

According to the “standard” I still have a year to two years to go.

But, I have peace today.

Peace I didn’t have until August 9th.

Crazy, huh?  6 months from the last day of “D-day”.

And crazy I can tell you when it happened probably.

But I know.

That’s the day I accepted it as part of my life, part of my story, and completely gave it to God.

Until that day I had been asking God to fix it.

Fix it?  Really?  As though it’s a leaky faucet or a broken garage door that needs “fixing”.

No.  It doesn’t work that way.

This is the way it is.  I had accept that.  No going back.  No undoing it.  No reverse.  No delete.

But that doesn’t mean it defines who I am or even where I’m going.

My husband is a good man.  I wouldn’t have married him otherwise.  And had I been “blinded by love” and he was a heartless cheater it would have happened much, much sooner.  Not 20 years in to our relationship.

Sometimes good people make bad choices.  Really bad choices.

And sometimes those bad things drag innocent people down the path with them.  Unfortunately.

After I sat down on the path for a while I finally said, “God, I can’t heal me.  I can’t heal our marriage.  I can’t do this.  This is bigger than me.  YOU take this.  I don’t want it anymore.  I don’t want it back.”  And in that moment I felt peace.

And I have.  Every.single.day.

And I’m walking forward with my head high.

~RH

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3 thoughts on “The Reason I’m Here

  1. Thank you for this blog entry. You say some beautiful things and the way you reach out to other betrayed wives is deeply affirming. I love the analogy that your therapist provided in understanding the road to marital recovery – it certainly hits the spot for me.

    Liked by 1 person

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