I noticed in copying this journal entry over that I didn’t just write out my losses that day, but also my fears. Please excuse the messiness of some of my journal entries…my head was (and some days still is) a mess.
The losses I am grieving:
- the loss of purity between us
- the loss of trust
- the loss of my idea of who I thought he was (that I thought he would never do anything like that)
- that we aren’t like other couples
- that I have a pain I can’t talk about with anyone – that I suffer in silence – the loneliness
- the loss of time
- the loss of money
- wondering how much of the past 17 years has been a lie
- the loss of understanding
- not knowing how to rebuild or what our future looks like
- the loss of my heart – it will never be the same again
- the fear of the generational curse upon our family
- the constant nagging questions – am I really who he wants? will he do this again?