Journal Entry – March 11, 2014

I’m angry.  Why is this my life?  What did I do to deserve this?  Am I not nice enough?  Am I too nice?  Didn’t I deserve to be cherished?  What is it about me that gives me this – these circumstances to deal with?  I took my vows seriously.  I have tried to do everything I know to do to be the best wife and mom I could be.  So why do I have a tainted life now?  

Why will I always be second place?

What was wrong with the life I wanted?

When will the hurt stop?  I have a heart full of hurt and anger and hatred.  And I hate that.  

I hate that I feel so much anger and hatred and hurt all at once.  I hate that it won’t end.  I hate that I don’t have anyone to talk to.  

I hate that there is no light at the end of this tunnel.  

I hate that I’m not special enough for any part of Hub to be kept just for me.  I HATE that I’m no different to him than anyone else.  I hate that I can’t change that.  I hate that it will always be that way.  

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2 thoughts on “Journal Entry – March 11, 2014

  1. How do you feel reading this now? I know you both are reconciling right? How do you feel about the statement that you’re no different than anyone else, G sharing his world with another that he’s no longer just for you and nothing can change that?

    Like

    1. Yes. We are reconciling.
      If I allow myself, I do struggle with feeling like I’m no different to him than anyone else…as well as the other thoughts. However, I am better able to control those thoughts today. I try to push them out as best I can, focusing on the positives, such as I am different to him because he chooses me and not them.

      Liked by 1 person

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