Journal Entry – May 29, 2014

I just want it to go away – all of it.  Why won’t it go away?!

Why can’t I just heal?

Why did any of it happen?  What was wrong with me wanting to be the only woman my husband had been with?  What was wrong with me wanting to be my husband’s last first kiss?  What was wrong with me wanting to be the only woman in my husband’s heart?  I didn’t feel like I asked for too much – it was our vows!

And to ask Hub how he would feel – and he ‘guesses it might bother’ him?  NO!  Any person who loves another should know it would hurt them terribly!  So, does he not love me?  Are his ‘I love you’s’ as empty today as they’ve been in the past?  Is he only with me out of guilt?  Does he want her?  I don’t know.  Will I ever know?  Can I know?  My head is constantly swirling.

Can’t I just wake up and find it all to be a nightmare?  I’m tired of crying!  I’m tired of feeling beat down!  I used to feel special, and loved, and desired – I miss that!

I’m tired of feeling like second place.

I want to know I’m special – I want to know I’m important; not feel like a guilt trip wife.  Is he with me because he should love his wife, so he’ll stick with me even though he really wants to be with M?

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2 thoughts on “Journal Entry – May 29, 2014

  1. Wow.. raw emotions of a BS so true.

    Yeah I felt the same way too. How did you come around? What made you stop and say this is bullshit I’m not a reflection of my husband’s stupidness.

    His love doesn’t make me special, it never did I was special all on my own.

    I suppose I guess I feel that way. 😉

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  2. Honestly, this is probably going to sound trite but it’s true: lots of praying. I prayed for God to show me who I am to HIM. And I saw I am a beautiful (inside & out) woman who loves deeply. I saw that while I am a flawed human being I’m still worthy of love, respect & honor. And I saw that even if this doesn’t work out – I’m the same woman, with or without my husband…and I’ll stand strong.

    Like

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