Who I Am

I’m different.  And I always will be.
I don’t have big breasts that bounce & jiggle.  I refuse to get implants.  So my flat chest will never change.
My butt will never be big, round & firm.
I’ll never be a brown skinned beauty.
I’ll never be a curvy girl.  I’m small – all around.  That’s my build.
I’ll never have an accent of any kind.  I’m from the Midwest.  I don’t even say “y’all” – that’s southern.
I’m not flirtatious.  I try, but I’m terrible at it.  I know this.
I’m not sexy…or sexual.  I don’t make men turn their heads.  I don’t know how to seduce a man.  I don’t know how to be irresistible.
I don’t make your sex life exciting.  I seriously don’t know how.
I’m not adventurous.  I don’t take chances.  I calculate every part of my day.
I’m simple.
Nerdy even.
I hate volleyball.  I always have.  I always will.  And I was a gymnast and I run – so I even have a different body build.  I’ve always hated the sport of volleyball.
I hate poker.  I don’t understand it.  I don’t care to.
But I’m ok with being a flat-chested, little butted, pasty white, skinny, boring, quiet, nerdy woman.
These are things that won’t change about me.  Some because I refuse to change them.  Others because of genetics.
I wondered for a long time if I should try to change….get implants, try to be a sexual, flirtatious woman, be adventurous & seek out fun, or learn to play poker.  But, that’s not me.  I don’t want to be fake.  I don’t want any one to love me for being fake.  Then they don’t really know me, so they can’t really love meI want to be loved for being me.
I will never, ever be those things.
Different things appeal to different people.  That’s why God made all of us different.  And for many people these things come naturally – so it’s not fake on them.
But, this is me.  Plain Jane me.

8 thoughts on “Who I Am

  1. Don’t run yourself down so much. A lot of guys like petite girls and there’s a lot of different types of sexy and beautiful. So you aren’t a flirt – big deal. Sex isn’t everything and being flirty is only a tiny part of being sexual. For that matter, physical beauty is a small part of sexuality.

    Don’t change to make someone else happy, change to make yourself happy (or don’t). If you like being plain Jane, then keep doing what you’re doing. There’s nothing wrong with that. But there’s also nothing wrong with finding new things for YOU to enjoy, regardless of who else enjoys them. Maybe it’s not poker, but I bet there’s something out there that you could pick up because it makes you happy. If there is or isn’t, you’re still you. God doesn’t make mistakes and he made you in His own image.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I suppose my post sounded worse than I intended it to. I’ve essentially told my H this a couple of times, post D-day. I seriously did consider changing things about myself, especially my body – knowing she is the complete opposite of me in build (and when I say complete I do mean COMPLETE). But, as I have examined myself more closely in all of this, I have decided that I AM happy with myself.
    I became frustrated because not only are she & I complete opposites in terms of looks, but the two of them have far more in common than my H & I do. The activities I enjoy he doesn’t (photography and reading). Whereas, with them it’s sports (volleyball and softball) and poker. They even like the same university. I graduated from the rival.
    But, my body or my likes are not the reason he cheated. I supposed they could be listed as reasons, but that would be pretty shallow and I’m not interested in shallow.
    As I’ve said to him before (in fact, just yesterday) this is who I am. Love it or leave it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not to go all creepy commenter on you (too late, probably), but you obviously enjoy writing as well as reading. Have you considered writing erotica as a way to safely express and cultivate your sexuality? It might be good for you to write and good for him to read. Totally thinking outside the box here, so feel free to hate it, but I thought I’d throw that out there.


  3. ROFL! Hysterical thought Anonyman! First, I wouldn’t even know how to start – I’m as green as the grass. Only been with 1 man – my H…and we aren’t freaky. Secondly, I could get ideas from porn, but I have both religious & person convictions about the stuff (research it sometime – it will make you physically ill). Third, even if I did just jump in & give it a try, I have a 2 school aged children. That means they can read. If they found it I would be MORT-TI-FIED! And fourth, what if he would put her in place of the woman in the story – IF I were to write?


    1. It wasn’t meant to be hysterical. It might be a bit unconventional, but it was a serious suggestion.

      1-2) So? I was writing erotica in my teens before I had sex or watched porn (which, yeah, you don’t want to go there). I wasn’t describing the things I’d done or seen, but my own fantasies. It may not be your thing, but if you can have fantasies, you can write them. They don’t have to be freaky.

      3) I protect my stories with password encryption so only people with the password can open the files. Even the old Word encryption couldn’t be quickly broken without a supercomputer.

      4) The last question is a bit trickier. He might do that, but he might not. An erotic story (or explicit love letter, if you prefer) is a very personal thing. When my wife and I write a story, it’s hard to imagine that coming from anyone but each other. From the way we write, which mimics the way we talk, she knows that it’s definitely coming from me and vice versa.

      But like I said, I’m just throwing it out there. If it’s not you or him, then don’t force it.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s