As I write the date I realize what today is – the anniversary of Grammy’s passing & the anniversary of Hub leaving for the military. These things happened years ago, yet they stick with me.
I feel so much pain still from the events of the last 2 years. I’ve known for 5 months, but I wonder if I’ll ever fully heal. I have so many triggers that instantly cause panic or grief or anger.
Lord, I ask you to heal these triggers or remove them:
- when I drive home
- when I leave home
- blue vehicles like her’s
- seeing the same things that are on one of her vehicles (the stickers on her vehicles)
- seeing someone smoke – she smokes
- driving past the local bar
- when he’s on his cell phone
- seeing his cell phone
- hearing his cell phone go off
- when we aren’t together – especially when I’m at work
- the names S (AP #1), M (AP #2), J (a “friend” of his who helped drive a wedge between us) & H (most likely an innocent victim but whatever)
- New Jersey
- Atlantic City
- a local university
- the color purple
- the 7th of every month
- New Year’s
- movies with adultery
- songs about adultery or lost loves
- my pillow propped up on his (so he can be on his phone while laying in bed)
Lord, please heal my heart and make these triggers not be triggers of sadness, anger or hurt, but may I rejoice and be full of joy for what You have done. Lord, I also have hundreds of questions that fill my mind each day:
- does he love me?
- if so, why?
- am I pretty enough?
- am I good enough, sexually?
- am I fun enough?
- will he shatter my heart again?
- can I trust him?
- will I ever trust him again?
- how will I know if I’m safe with him?
- is he still lying to me?
- what if he is?
- what will I do if he lies or cheats again?
- will our son ever forgive me for taking Hub back?
- will I always be full of hurt?
- is my joy permanently gone?
- will I ever get my smile back?
Lord, I miss being happy. I miss smiling and being carefree. Restore that happiness and my smile and quiet my mind and heart.
I find it interesting this is the journal entry I came to today, since I have struggled with triggers over the last couple of days.
I also notice I need a holiday to look forward to. Columbus Day hasn’t been tainted. Maybe I’ll start to celebrate that.