I think I’m jealous of my friend.
My best friend & I have been BFFs for years. As in since we were teens. So, like 25+ years. (Oh my gosh – I’ve suddenly aged). 13 years ago she married a guy. They had dated for several years. But, as it turns out he was a scum bucket. Lied repeatedly. Cheated repeatedly. Caught repeatedly. Promised to change repeatedly. Failed repeatedly. So, she divorced him about 5 years ago. (Insert cheers here).
Now – let me just throw a quick note in here – this wasn’t a case of he cheated, he got caught & he was sorry he cheated. This wasn’t even a case of he kept going back to his AP because he was “in love”. No. This was he was sorry he got caught plain & simple. And every time he cheated it was with a different woman. So, no love was involved in these affairs. This was just empty-headed diddling.
Anyway…back to my friend. After a couple years of being divorced she started to date a guy. Super nice guy. They ended up getting married and now she’s expecting! I’m thrilled for her! I truly am. She’s got a great man, who would deliver the moon on a silver platter to her if he could, and now she’s pregnant! She’ll be a great momma! After years of hell she finally has everything she deserved all along.
So, why then do I have this twinge of jealousy? I love her to pieces!!! I want her to be happy! I want them to have the best!
But, I guess I keep wondering when I’ll get my happy ending.
And I feel like I have nothing else to look forward to.
You know how when you’re like 14 you start thinking “I can drive when I’m 16”? Then when you are 16, you start to look forward to “only 2 more years till I graduate!”. Then you graduate high school and start with “I can’t wait until college!”. And it keeps progressing:
- college graduation
- first “real” job
- first “real” apartment
And especially after an affair? What then? What becomes the big milestones to look forward to then?
- 1 day without thinking about the affair?
- 1 week without fighting about the affair?
- 1 year without Hub or AP contacting each other?
Is this what I have to look forward to now?? That depressing!!
So, maybe it’s not so much jealousy toward my friend. Rather, maybe it’s depression that my milestones now revolve around this affair instead of revolving around building a life. These milestones are about mental & emotional survival and not actually making a life.
Maybe that’s the rub. Maybe I just want to do life instead of just survive life. And I always wanted to do life with Hub. In fact, I thought we were doing life together.
And I guess I don’t know how to do life with him now.
I need to figure that out.