Confession

Confession.

I think I’m jealous of my friend.

My best friend & I have been BFFs for years.  As in since we were teens.  So, like 25+ years.  (Oh my gosh – I’ve suddenly aged).  13 years ago she married a guy.  They had dated for several years.  But, as it turns out he was a scum bucket.  Lied repeatedly.  Cheated repeatedly.  Caught repeatedly.  Promised to change repeatedly.  Failed repeatedly.  So, she divorced him about 5 years ago.  (Insert cheers here).

Now – let me just throw a quick note in here – this wasn’t a case of he cheated, he got caught & he was sorry he cheated.  This wasn’t even a case of he kept going back to his AP because he was “in love”.  No.  This was he was sorry he got caught plain & simple.  And every time he cheated it was with a different woman.  So, no love was involved in these affairs.  This was just empty-headed diddling.

Anyway…back to my friend.  After a couple years of being divorced she started to date a guy.  Super nice guy.  They ended up getting married and now she’s expecting!  I’m thrilled for her!  I truly am.  She’s got a great man, who would deliver the moon on a silver platter to her if he could, and now she’s pregnant!  She’ll be a great momma!  After years of hell she finally has everything she deserved all along.

So, why then do I have this twinge of jealousy?  I love her to pieces!!!  I want her to be happy!  I want them to have the best!

But, I guess I keep wondering when I’ll get my happy ending.

And I feel like I have nothing else to look forward to.

You know how when you’re like 14 you start thinking “I can drive when I’m 16”?  Then when you are 16, you start to look forward to “only 2 more years till I graduate!”.  Then you graduate high school and start with “I can’t wait until college!”.  And it keeps progressing:

  • college graduation
  • first “real” job
  • first “real” apartment
  • marriage
  • house
  • babies

Then what?

And especially after an affair?  What then?  What becomes the big milestones to look forward to then?

  • 1 day without thinking about the affair?
  • 1 week without fighting about the affair?
  • 1 year without Hub or AP contacting each other?

Is this what I have to look forward to now??   That depressing!!

So, maybe it’s not so much jealousy toward my friend.  Rather, maybe it’s depression that my milestones now revolve around this affair instead of revolving around building a life.  These milestones are about mental & emotional survival and not actually making a life.

Maybe that’s the rub.  Maybe I just want to do life instead of just survive life.  And I always wanted to do life with Hub.  In fact, I thought we were doing life together.

And I guess I don’t know how to do life with him now.

I need to figure that out.

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4 thoughts on “Confession

  1. Does she know about your husband’s affair? She might have some advice to offer. She would probably understand if you told her you were jealous because she’s probably been there. Confession is a powerful thing, so you might find talking to her helps in that way too.

    My wife has also struggled with jealousy. I think it’s pretty normal to be jealous of other marriages or even jealous of the marriage you used to have. Hell, I’m the one who cheated and I’m sometimes jealous of marriages where the husband hasn’t done what I’ve done. Don’t beat yourself up about it, just acknowledge it and try to change it.

    Something my wife and I have had to do since the affair is find things to look forward to. If we can’t find anything, then we make something – a trip, a financial goal, a dream, retirement plans, etc. It wasn’t a magic bullet, but some days it was just enough to keep up moving forward.

    What you have to look forward to is a good marriage. Your husband screwed up, he broke your heart, and he jeopardized his whole family, but he has chosen to stay. On the other side of the pain of recovery is a good marriage if you are both dedicated to it. You’ll watch your children grow up and get married. You’ll be there with them to guide them and hopefully steer them clear of the problems you’ve experienced. And then there’s grandkids. I can see how happy my parents are being grandparents and even though my boys are young, I look forward to being a grandfather myself.

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    1. No she doesn’t know. I have decided not to tell her. She is very angry at him for moving out. She doesn’t know for sure he had an affair, but she suspects & that’s enough for her. I don’t want talk to her about this, basically because I know how she feels. I don’t want to hear “leave him” or “you deserve better”. I don’t want to hear how her happily ever after ends with a new husband and mine might too.

      Right now we have a goal of paying off a bill as we prepare to move, but that has frustrated me. I do see what you are saying though! We need to set a different goal – something exciting. Something keep our eyes focused forward instead of seeing the mess all this created.

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      1. Good point. People do tend to view others’ affairs and marriages through the lens of their own experiences and her experiences are pretty different. My wife and I decided to only tell people that were for the marriage. If we thought someone would be for either of us calling it quits, we didn’t tell them. If someone was interested only in helping one or the other, we didn’t tell them. For someone to be for us as individuals, they had to respect our decision to work it out and they had to be for our marriage. We called it being on “Team Smith*.”

        For us, having dates to look forward to helped. It didn’t have to be much, just a time to get out of the house as a couple and spend a couple of hours together. Then we had a cheap in-state vacation with the family. Then I planned a weekend away for her at a spa while I took care of the kids (which took a lot of trust for her). Then we had a couple’s getaway in the mountains. Then it was a short trip to Vegas for her birthday (which happened to be around the 1-year anniversary of D-day). Then we went out-of-state for a vacation with family.

        We racked up a fair bit of debt, but it was money well spent because it kept us looking forward. It especially helped when there were significant dates on the calendar. We could look past them to something we had planned together. I know not everyone can do what we did, but that’s a big part of what we needed to make it through.

        *Not our real surname

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