Indifference

Things at home have been odd.
He talks to me, but I don’t have anything to say.
I was beginning to feel comfortable and starting to open up to him a couple weeks ago.
But this week I have struggled.  I feel indifferent.
I remember reading somewhere at the beginning of all this that at some point during reconciliation the betrayed spouse will have difficulty with “re entry”.  I can’t find that article now to save my life,  but I wonder if that’s where I am now.
About an hour ago I decided to go for a walk and enjoy this beautiful late summer Saturday.
My daughter and I walked out of the house and didn’t make it one house before her vehicle (Stacey) drove past.  She had her windows down.  She slowed way down as she went past.
I think she was waiting for me to scream at her like I did back in May.
But her teenager daughter was with her.
And my daughter was with me.
And honestly,  I felt nothing as I saw her today.
And she drove past me again.
And I still felt nothing.
Indifferent.
Even if we weren’t being moms at that moment I don’t think I would have said a word to her this time because I finally feel nothing toward her.
What is this indifference?
Is it healing?
Is it self protection?
Is it an inability to care?
Is it a wall I’ve built up?
Is it depression?
I guess I don’t mind feeling indifference toward Stacey but I don’t want to feel indifference toward my husband.
I guess it’s another piece to this big puzzle.

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4 thoughts on “Indifference

  1. Some days big steps, some days little steps, some days no steps at all. But you’re moving forward. There will be a lot of tangling, it’s a wretched experience to unravel, but recognising and naming how you feel is huge progress. I can recall a time when I didn’t even know if I was in my own body – I felt so detached from my life!

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  2. I have recently begun blogging myself. Not sure how committed I am to the process. But I am trying it for now to see if it helps me organize my thoughts and feelings. For me the worst right now is chaos going on in my mind.

    I have been through the same phase of indifference as you are currently experiencing. It’s just a phase, but I think it’s a longer and more difficult phase to get through, so my advice is don’t give up on anything for now. For me the next step was depression, so maybe the indifference is a precursor. Who knows?

    I actually just entered a new post on my blog about my experience with it. http://my-life-after-infidelity.blogspot.com/ Hopefully you don’t mind, but I included a link to your post.

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