Thankfulness, Guilt, and Shame

Learning to live in the present is going to be an uphill battle.  I can see that now.  It was difficult enough before.  But now – gesh!

So, I plug along….looking for things to be thankful for to help me with this process….

1) Snail Mail –  I got a card in the mail yesterday from a woman I met last month.  I had forgotten how wonderful it is to receive something other than junk mail or bills!  It has been months since I received something personal like a card!  And reading her kind words, telling me how proud she is of me for trying to walk through marriage reconciliation warmed my heart!  I want to touch someone’s heart like she touched mine.  So I think once a week I will commit to sending a card with a personal note to someone.

2) Coffee – the hot liquid moving all the way down from my mouth to my…well wherever it ends up.  I like the feeling of the heat warming my insides.  I like to hold the hot cup in my cold hands.  I like the calm I feel with a cup of hot coffee in my hands. I like the smell of coffee…coffee beans, coffee brewing, mmmmmm…it smells so good.

3) Sun – the warmth of the sun on my face (yes – if you haven’t noticed yet – I like heat), the cheerfulness it gives to the day, the hope I feel when I see sunshine.  We are quickly approaching the winter.  And in those months we sometimes go days…even weeks, without seeing the sun.  So I hang on to these sunny, fall days like I’m gasping for air.  Because it’s hard to breathe in the winter.

I feel guilty that I haven’t put my Hub on my thankful list yet.  But, I’m not sure if I’m ready to say I’m thankful for him yet.  I know in my head I love him, but I’m still feeling indifferent about him.  I’m thankful for the children he has given me, but he also gave me immense pain.  We had good times together, but those are tainted by the lies woven between.  So, I think I need to focus on the good in him.

On a much different note: I know I have mentioned before the OW who lives in our neighborhood (Stacey).  She drives a particular vehicle that is easy to spot…and has two large stickers on it.  I mentioned that in May I saw her walking in to a department store and I momentarily lost my mind and started screaming at her.  The next time I saw her vehicle I noticed she had removed the largest of the two stickers.  I figured she removed it thinking I wouldn’t recognize her vehicle and try to run her off the road or key her car (I had done both and more in my head hundreds of times, but I would never actually do those things).  Of course, she still had the one tell-tale sticker on there.

As I mentioned I saw her and her vehicle 3 times on Saturday (and I know she saw me at least 2 of those times)…sticker still present.  When I saw her vehicle on Tuesday she had removed the last sticker.  And when I saw that I smiled.  It’s a dirty little secret.  I feel ashamed that I smiled at that.  But I did.  Knowing that the stickers she has had on her car for 2+ years (so obviously liked) have been removed…most likely because of me.  I still feel indifferent about her as a person, but that particular act actually made me smile.

She’s a bigger woman…2 or 3 of me actually, but I’m not scared of her.  I think I proved that when I screamed at her in public.  I have nothing to lose.  She’s already taken it.

And I’m not really sure that she is scared of me.  After all I’m an itty bitty thing.

But, maybe she did it because she heard the hurt in my voice in May…and saw the pain on my face on Saturday.  Maybe she realizes the damage she’s done.  And maybe she’s afraid I will return the damage to her (or rather her vehicle).

Maybe she’s realized this affair has long-standing consequences.

Maybe she’s figured out it’s more trouble than it’s worth.

Or maybe she has finally grown tired of them.  And has discarded them.

But either way…her blank vehicle gave me satisfaction.  It now reflects the blankness I feel.

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