Today marks 8 months since D-day(s) began.
In some ways this is becoming harder.
In other ways easier.
My stomach has been in knots the past week or so. That horrible something is wrong feeling. I keep trying to shove it down, but it won’t go away. It’s making it difficult to eat again – not a problem I need. I don’t know what is causing this feeling. I can’t put my finger on it.
I don’t want to accuse. I have no proof of anything at all. In fact – nothing that even makes me suspicious. And based the things he said about wanting to commit suicide while all that was taking place I can’t imagine he would venture down that road again.
But, I have noticed a distance, which bothers me, but I know to a large degree that is life getting in the way again. But it still scares me.
His gentleness is gone…the gentleness I received at first. I’ve told him I miss that. He doesn’t understand. I know that gentleness is not in his nature. But it was nice.
On the other hand, the anger has subsided, so that has made things easier (though it does seem fear has taken its place…enter difficulty). We are back to a normal routine, so that is nice as well…but as I mentioned, also scary.
He is listening to Christian music almost every day now, I have seen him go to the altar wanting to be filled with the holy spirit and desiring to be a witness to others, he meets with the men’s group monthly, and when I get in a hurry to get the kids in the bed he says “we need to pray” to remind me to pray. He asks me to pray for his co-workers and men from his group.
So why do I feel this sense of dread?
Why am I waiting “for the other shoe to drop”?
Why do I feel insecure?
Deep down do I not believe God can restore us?
Do I lack faith?
Or is this “dread” and insecurity a by-product of what has happened?
Lord, I thank You for bringing us to this 8th month mark. Thank You for keeping Your hand upon us during this time. I pray You would continue to be with us. Strengthen us in You, because I know that is the only way our marriage will be completely restored. Father, I ask you to touch me physically. You know I need to stay healthy. Please restore my appetite. Please replace this feeling of fear and dread with Your peace. I pray, Heavenly Father, You would complete Your good work in our marriage and our family. I pray we would stand firm in You. Let me be a blessing to my husband. Lord, I pray You would comfort our children, as they are concerned about the increased fighting. Lord, protect them. Protect their hearts. Lord, I pray I would constantly remember You are in control…and I need to give up control. Right now I have an incredible urge to control everything in our home and marriage and it’s putting a strain on us…and draining me. Lord, fill me with your Holy Spirit and go before me in everything I say and do. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.