Crazy Head

So, I’ve had this crazy thought…ok…crazy thoughts…plural…with an “S”.

Anyway, let me start again – I’ve had these crazy thoughts lately.

In no particular order, here is the randomness that has been rolling around in my head:

  • The Other Woman

I’m not sure why I’ve thought about her.  Actually, I haven’t seen her in a few weeks…but I have a sneaking suspicion she traded in her primary vehicle and has a new one…but that’s neither here nor there…anyway…as I was saying…oh – look – squirrel!

GESH!

Where is this post going…besides over the bridge?

Ok – anyway…my thoughts about the OW have been peaceful…but I’ve had this strong desire to speak to her.  I guess maybe I’m wanting an apology out of her…or to hear her acknowledge her part in this mess that is now my marriage and family.  But, like I said, my thoughts are peaceful.

When I first found myself thinking about this it was just a thought of showing up on her doorstep, ringing her doorbell, waiting for her to open the door & then just standing there…not saying anything…just waiting to see if she would say anything…not in a mean way, just more or less wondering, if she would say anything at all…and if so, what exactly would she say?

I’m not going to contact her.  I’m not going show up on her doorstep.  It won’t help the situation.  It won’t help me.  But, it’s still a thought rolling around in my completely full head.

  • Where Is He Now?

One upon a time…as in 13ish years ago I volunteered with a community organization.  My Hub & I didn’t have kids & worked opposite schedules so, this gave me something to do in the evenings.  Also on this committee was a man.  He’d been divorced for about 7 years.  He had 2 kids but they didn’t live here.  They lived with their mother in a city about 2 hours away.

Now…I know what you are thinking…this has all the makings of a situation gone wrong…but…wait…just keep reading…

He & I had to work very closely together for a particular project this organization had coming up.  So we would meet together at lunch oftentimes to discuss it.

I never felt uncomfortable.  I knew it was for this organization.  I knew I was married.  He knew I was married.  My Hub knew I was working on this project.  I didn’t hide anything from him.  And I just never worried about anything between us…I never even thought about it, because I never felt “that” way towards him.

Then one day at lunch he told me about the first time he saw me.  It had been at a different community event months before us working on this event.

I told him I remembered being at that event, but I didn’t remember seeing him.  And he said something that stirred a feeling inside me…”I know”.  Those 2 words.  That was it.  He was taken by the fact that I didn’t even see him.  He liked that I was immersed in conversation with others and not “on the hunt” for a man or trying to get a man’s attention.  I was just genuinely having a good time.  And he seemed to enjoy that.  And for some reason I found that interesting…and exciting.

And then an alarm went off inside me.

Before I could finish my lunch he proceeded to tell me he had feelings for me.  Strong feelings.  But he wouldn’t act on those feelings because he knew I was married and he wouldn’t want me to live with that guilt.

We finished our community project and I withdrew from that organization.

As far as I know he still lives here in town.

But I haven’t seen him in years.

He did call me last year for my birthday and asked to see me.

I had butterflies.

Someone wanted me see me.  (By this point things were getting very rock in my marriage, although I didn’t know why).

But, I declined.

He told me he understood, but if I ever needed him to let him know.

Two weeks later the bottom fell out of my marriage.

When my husband moved out & things began breaking down around the house it never occurred to me call him.  Although, I’m certain he would have dropped everything to come running to my aid.

I never thought about this guy one time.

But now…for some strange reason he keeps popping in to my head.

And I wonder where is he now?

And why does he keep popping in to my head?

Don’t worry.  I won’t call him.  My word.  That would be asking for trouble!  It won’t help the situation – at all!  It won’t help me at all either!  But, it’s still another thought rolling around in my completely full head.

  • Life Goes On 

Last year a guy my Hub knows was having serious problems in his marriage.  He had moved out of his home the fall of the previous year (’12).  My husband began to talk to him about saving his marriage (looking back on this now I shake my head…but anyway…).  This man had apparently made some mistakes in the marriage (haven’t we all) but it didn’t seem to be irreparable (what is that anyway, by the way?)…but of course my Hub was only getting one side of the story.

Anyway, long story short he wanted his marriage to work – she said no & served him with papers last fall (’13).  The divorce was finalized this winter/spring.

I hadn’t thought much about them (as I didn’t really know either of them – just saw them at the ballpark with their kids) until yesterday.  I was on Facebook and a friend of mine had posted family pictures taken by a photographer.  Beginning fascinated with photography, I clicked on the photographer link to scroll through her albums.

And in the recent fall photo shoots I saw it.

The family photo of this woman and her two children.

Smiling.

A beautiful family.

They survived.

They are still a family.

Then I clicked on the next picture.

It was her and another man.  A possible engagement photo.

A new beginning.  A fresh start.

And then I clicked again.

And I saw what I assume is the “family” photo…the woman, the man, and all the children.

And I realized…life goes on.

Don’t worry.  I’m not planning my exit.  I’m still committed to this marriage.  But in some ways it was a comfort to see that life does go on.

And it comes with smiles.

~RH

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10 thoughts on “Crazy Head

  1. Unfortunately, it is very common for people in ministry to fall. I think part of it is having a target on your back. I’m not a pastor, but I did talk to people at church and help them with problems even as I was secretly ruining my life. Everyone assumes that once you start having an affair, you suddenly become an utterly despicable person or that you were utterly despicable to begin with. The fact of the matter is God can continue to bless people through the person who is sinning. I was always conflicted and regretted the affair as soon as it started. I asked for the strength to stop it, but obviously I was unwilling to end it myself. It took two months for God to end it for me. Yep, two months is all it took for me to wreck devastation on so many lives. And yet even in this, I can see his hand. Now I’m here on the internet, giving my testimony and trying to help people with the aftermath of their own or their spouses affairs. Life is funny like that and you’re right, it does go on.

    Sorry, I didn’t mean to make this all about me, but I guess it just came spilling out when I read your comment about your husband helping someone else through marital problems. You keep having your crazy thoughts if you need to because you’re handling them well. I continue to be amazed at how well you are doing despite how fresh everything is.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your kind words. Honestly, every time I hear someone tell me I’m doing well in this process it scares me to bits. Because I wonder if I’m delayed in this process or if I’m pushing everything down and going to crack 5 years from now.
      Hopefully I really am recovering. Unfortunately, I guess only time will tell.

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      1. It depends. Are you compartmentalizing the anger and the pain or are you dealing with it? Are you dealing with your husband’s issues or just “forgiving” and moving on? I forgot: are you getting counseling or not? Your counselor should be able to tell you if your dealing with things in a healthy way or not (as long as you’re being honest with her). It’s a danger, but there are steps you can take to heal the right way so you don’t have problems 5 years from now.

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      2. I don’t think I am compartmentalize…ing…ugh. stupid auto correct. Lol. Anyway. If i remember right from counseling we determined that I don’t do that very well – that tends to be more “man brain” and I very much have “woman brain” – spaghetti brain as he called it. Lol.
        I had been in counseling but he kept telling me I was doing well and insurance was running out so I stopped.

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      3. LOL My phone did the same thing.

        IIRC, you are not religious, but in your situation I would check if there are any pastors in your area who are licensed marriage and family therapists. If there are, they might be willing to meet with you informally, especially if you happen to have a friend or family member who attends there. Yeah, he’s going to bring religion into it (not that I think that’s a bad thing) but if he’s good then it might help you quite a bit. At the very least it might give you some perspective.

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      4. Actually I have very strong beliefs. That’s why I picked the counselor I had – he was a Christian counselor…which are tough to find here.

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      5. My bad, I must have confused you with someone else. Not to be too specific, but there are maybe half a dozen Christian counselors in the entire state where I live, so I know what you mean.

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  2. God is and will keep holding you together through this. This craziness we find ourselves in is a roller coaster. We need to give ourselves some grace during this process. One day you may feel like you are doing great and then thirty seconds later filled with anger, or sadness, or, or, or…….I for one appreciate the company on this ride. Keep posting the good, the bad,and the ugly. It ALL helps…

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