Recovery Helps Review

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago I was trying a couple of new recovery helps.  I thought it may be beneficial to someone if I reviewed those two items.

I purchased the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr & Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers.  I am still reading have read about 3/4 of the book.  I think I’m done…at least for now.  It started off as a great read.  But I’m finding that I disagree with some of the book. Here’s why:

  • The authors of the book recommend telling people (family and friends) about the affair.  And I understand the idea of accountability.  However, what would be the benefit to me telling my family (parents & siblings) about my Hub’s affair?  Why make those relationships more difficult to heal?  And why would I tell my friends who have divorced their cheating husbands?  Can’t you already guess what they are going to say?  Personally, I think each individual/couple needs to evaluate who to tell.  This is not a one size fits all solution, as I feel the book tries to make it.
  • I also find it difficult to carry out some of the ideas.  Perhaps it wouldn’t be as difficult if we were doing the book together but doing it as an individual…ummm hard.  But honestly I think this would be tough to start just from reading the book alone. These would be easier to carry out under the guidance of a counselor.  I understand the reasons for some of those ideas though.
  • The authors also have included a few questionnaires in the book.  One of these questionnaires in particular deals primarily with personal history (educational history, dating history, marital history, sexual history, childhood history, medical history, etc…).  I suppose in some cases this would be beneficial, however, after being with someone for over 20 years I found that questionnaire to be ridiculous and not helpful in affair recovery.

I also participated in the First Steps Boot Camp.  It was 7 days and is now complete. I found it extremely helpful! What I didn’t like was the sell for the groups. I understand they would be helpful and I agree marriage is priceless…However dropping $495 in the aftermath of an affair when bills have racked up is a hard pill to swallow. So I didn’t. I stopped after the 7th day.  And honestly, I may repeat this boot camp every month or as needed as I continue to heal.

~RH

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8 thoughts on “Recovery Helps Review

  1. I signed up for the boot camp after reading you were starting it. I haven’t started it yet….I am a year out..some of the emails made me worry it would just stir up things I had already worked thru. Did it do that at all for you?

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    1. No Ella – it didn’t do that at all. You do have some questions each day that you work through, but they are very helpful! I found it to be a lot of self-reflection as opposed to “affair reflection” – does that make sense? I found the boot camp to be more about personal healing….which, honestly, I think that’s where marriage recovery has to start. Unless each person heals, the marriage can’t recover.

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  2. I never did finish “Surviving an Affair.” As I recall my wife and I had a similar complaint. I don’t know about the rest of you, but we racked up about $15k in credit card debt in the first 12 months after D-day. Part of that was lawyers’ fees but most of it was either retail therapy, getaways, counseling, or fast food for those days when even fixing a sandwich was too much extra effort. An additional $500 (I assume that’s per person) is just wrong.

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  3. I also assume that is per person. And yes – we have racked up thousands as well with the same types of things (minus lawyers’ fees). The financial fall-out after an affair doesn’t help the marriage either. But, that’s the boat we find ourselves in now. Perhaps, that’s why I feel stressed about our marriage from time to time.

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    1. It’s what Dave Ramsey calls a “stupid tax.” I did something really, really stupid, so we have to pay – a lot. Of course he’s always quick to point out that it’s not wasted money if you learn not to pay the stupid tax again. We, and especially my wife, got a lot of good counseling out of that money and I won’t be making the same mistakes again, so I guess you could say we’ve made peace with the debt. Still, it sucks that we’re going to be dealing with the financial cost of this for years to come in addition to the emotional cost. I’m sorry you’re going through it, too.

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      1. I don’t think people realize there is more to infidelity than just emotional damage. It takes its toll on everything – including the finances.

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