I’ve noticed something the past couple weeks.

Actually, I thought I noticed it before, but I’ve really been paying attention lately.

And decided to do an experiment over the weekend.

It seems as though if I’m the pursuer (talking, texting, hand holding, kissing, hugging, etc…) with my Hub, I get “shut down”.  Meaning, if I text him first, he rarely responses.  If I reach for his hand, he refuses to lace his fingers with mine.  If I kiss him more than twice he will tell me he’s “already kissed me”.  If I hug him he will break it off fairly quickly.  He almost acts cold.

However, if I basically ignore him he acts completely different.  If he texts me & I don’t reply he will ask why I didn’t text him back.  If he talks to me & I don’t have anything to contribute to the conversation (other than a word here or there) he tries harder to get me to talk.  If I kiss him & then walk away he will sometimes playfully swat my butt.  If I don’t initiate a kiss or hug at all he will wrap his arms around me after a while.

And that got me to thinking.

When he moved out, I stopped contacting him (unless absolutely necessary…which became more infrequent as time went on).

{Quick side note: as I type this I just got a text calling me sexy.  Literally the first time in 3 months he has said that to me.}

Anyway, I didn’t text him or call him during that time.  I took care of everything.  If something broke I didn’t even bother to tell him.  I figured he didn’t live there so he didn’t care.  When he first moved out the kids got sick (as in the next day).  I texted him to tell him, but never heard back from him, so I decided right then it was the kids & I.

After D-Day(s) I told him I wasn’t fighting for him; I wasn’t competing against another woman.  If she wanted him, she could have him.  If he wanted me he was going to prove it, because I wasn’t going to chase him.

When he ended his relationship with M he didn’t really end it.  He just stopped contacting her, let her messages go to voicemail & didn’t return her calls or texts.  So she spent about 3 months trying to contact him – voicemails & text messages.

She was persistent.

I’m not.

Maybe I don’t care enough.

Or maybe my self-esteem is better than I thought.

Or maybe it takes more energy than I have right now.

But I’m not going to chase after a man who doesn’t want me.  Why be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you is my theory.

So, I started applying this theory again, over the weekend.

I’m not chasing him down for hugs or kisses or to find out where he’s been or who he’s texting (although I really don’t think he’s doing anything wrong).

Maybe it’s my imagination.  Maybe I’m just extra sensitive right now & think he’s rejecting me, when he’s not.

Or maybe it’s that I don’t care…although I kind of do…just not as much as I used to.

Or maybe it’s that I’m tired…emotionally and physically (I’ve been sleeping a ton – and I’m still tired).

Or maybe it’s that I find it degrading.

So now I find him chasing after me.

What’s the deal?

Maybe he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it.

Or maybe he doesn’t like being pursued.

Or maybe he is playing games with me.  In which case, he will never win.  He knows I’m far more stubborn than he is.  (Which is probably why he was the always the one contacting me when he moved out).

For now, I plan on staying as is – not initiating anything.

And after a while I will re-evaluate.

Maybe I will have a better handle on what makes him tick then.

So, I guess the experiment continues.


One thought on “Experiment

  1. I agree. I would never chase my husband but when I reflect back, this gave him too much freedom when we weren’t together. When he was with Pig Shit she must have been amazed that I wasn’t ringing or texting him. If I had my time over, I would drive him mad with my constant communications (but that wouldn’t be because I was chasing him but because I’d want to mess up their fantasy world). When we first met, he did all the chasing because that’s how I believe and want it to be. I do think any men enjoy being the instigators. Anyway, my husband is with me who doesn’t initiate much and he left Pig Shit who was wanting to be his perfect partner. They used to talk for hours apparently!!!! I’ve NEVER spoken to my husband for hours… mainly because he stops listening and I can see when he does this 🙂


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