In the months leading up to my husband moving out and then during the time that followed I felt incredibly close to God. I truly cannot begin to explain the closeness that I felt during that time.
And it wasn’t just occasionally. I felt that every single day.
I would often say to Him “You’re the only one who hasn’t left me. You’re all I’ve got.” And a peace would wash over me as if to say “I’ve got you. You’ll always be alright.” And I always did feel like I was going to be alright.
Well meaning people (even Pastors) would tell me to file for separation so Hub would have to pay support…and maybe “think about what he’s doing”. But I never wanted to financially pressure my husband to come back home, nor did I want to “punish” him. This was his choice to make. And in every way – including financially, I was alright.
A couple of months after my husband came back home the anger of his affairs started to grow. And I found myself angry with God for allowing this in my life.
In August I released that anger and since that time I have asked God to restore that closeness we once had and have asked Him to use me. I have given my husband fully over to Him (not that He needs my permission) and rather than praying, “please do this” or “please do that”, I’ve started saying “He’s Your son. Your will be done.”
I’ve also stopped praying to move. His timing is perfect. So when He sees fit for us to move He will open those doors.
And now I’m blown away by the things God has done for me these past few days. I know I shouldn’t be – but I am.
I’ve briefly mentioned before the financial hardship that comes in the wake of affair. Not only are you short of funds that were spent on seeing the AP or for gifts bought for the AP, but after D-day you find yourself spending money on counseling, eating out, retail therapy, getaways, books, etc…basically anything that offers a glimmer of hope, convenience, or the opportunity to forget if only for a moment.
From October 2013 (when the last affair began) – May 2014 (3 months after D-day) we racked up thousands of dollars of debt.
God has blessed us by allowing Hub to work overtime and as of this week one of those credit card bills is paid off! Can you see me doing the happy dance?
On Tuesday (yesterday) I received an unexpected bonus. That bonus is enough to pay off a second credit card and pay for our winter supply of beef!!!! (Not sure what the rest of you do, but here in the Midwest many families by beef from a local farmer to freeze and eat during the winter – it’s healthier than store-bought & comes in handy during those pesky snow storms). And I’m doing a little more dancing now!
But, what I’m really excited about is a phone call I received on Monday afternoon.
A woman I’ve never met called me. She doesn’t know anything about me. She said she is in charge of an upcoming women’s retreat and has prayed about people to speak at the retreat. She had a paper with names of attendees from previous retreats and she felt God drawing her to mine. She has continued to pray & God has removed some of the names from her list, but mine remains. She asked if I would be willing to speak. I told her I would pray about it.
Initially I was nervous, knowing full well that if I agree to speak Satan will hurl every fiery dart he has at this marriage.
Am I up for that?
Can our marriage handle that?
Can my children handle that?
And then it hit me.
What am I really asking? What am I really saying?
Do I trust God?
And so, although I continue to pray about this, I feel God leading me to speak to these women.
I’m no better than them.
And many of them may have years of hurts I will never begin to understand or imagine.
But God wants to use me.
And I want to be used.
I’m humbled and thankful for this opportunity to be His instrument.
And I’m thankful for His answer to my prayers of “use me”.
And for lightening the financial burden we inflicted upon our selves.
Thank You Heavenly Father for Your many blessings .