It’s been a tough three days.
I’ve cried more in the last 3 days than I had in the 3 weeks prior.
I knew this was coming.
As much as I’ve wanted to avoid these months, I knew I couldn’t.
I hide when I cry. He gets angry that I cry about this. It reminds me of a quote I saw not long ago…something about “People are not understanding of the tears which they themselves provoked.”
I don’t blow up anymore. He gets defensive when I blow up.
I guess I shut down now. Nothing else to do really if I can’t cry & I can’t blow. Shutting down seems safe.
And to be honest he noticed it before I did.
Yesterday we were talking. I was cleaning up dinner. He put his phone in his pocket before he went upstairs. And apparently I just stopped talking. He said something about it. Which would have been fine. Except it came with tone. And very little understanding.
I didn’t want this.
I didn’t cause this.
I can’t make the hurt away. As much as I want to.
Sometimes it sneaks up me.
But it’s here.
It’s here because sex means something to me.
It’s here because broken promises broke my heart.
It’s here because of the time taken from me & given to other women.
Because of the touches taken from me & given to other women.
Because of betrayal.
I can’t erase that.
Nor can I erase the memories of that.
Or the nasty words spoken to me during that time.
It all cuts.
I can’t just ‘get over it’.
What kind of person could?
What kind of person could just breeze over her husband loving another woman and lying? Is that the kind of wife worth having? One that sees infidelity and lies as no big deal…is she a wife worth having?
I’ve noticed over the past week I don’t look at my husband much. I actually have difficulty doing that.
And I rarely look him in the eyes.
What does that mean?
In the past week I’ve had to make a conscious effort to look him in the eyes. It’s a big struggle for me.
I look people in the eyes. So I know this has something to do with our relationship.
I remember the day before D-day(s) he walked in the house and stood in silence for a long time. Then he said “are you so angry with me you can’t even look at me?” I hadn’t realized then that I wasn’t looking at him but I remember trying to look at him after he said that and I just couldn’t.
Am I still so angry with him that I can’t look at him?
Lord, I pray you would soften my heart toward my husband. Heal our relationship. Heal any hurts he many have. I pray you would also heal my wounded heart. The hurts run deep and only you can heal me. Thank you for your love. Amen.