Well…the 1st major holiday hurdle is over for me.
I cried every day of Thanksgiving week.
I expected the week to be hard.
I didn’t expect it to be THAT hard.
From the time my feet hit the floor, until the exhaustion of the day over took my mind and I fell asleep.
Thanksgiving day my Hub was attentive, without being “hovering”. Which is perfect for me. I hate hovering. I’m not dying. I’m hurting. Big difference. Give me time. Give me space. But not too much of either. Confused yet? Yeah…I know…I confuse myself.
The next day was a “tiff”. I tried to explain something to him about how I was feeling & he looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language…and then never replied. Ummmmm…..ok…well….thanks for helping me solve that issue. Can you hear the sarcasm?
The next day was Thanksgiving with his family. Now – in the 20+ years we’ve been together my Hub’s family & I haven’t really been chummy. His mom likes to make her digs about me or my family, his sister & dad ignore me…and he’s never batted an eye. However, since my Hub moved out earlier this year they have all been very nice to me. They don’t know he had an affair, but it’s like his whole family feels guilty for him moving out, so they are nice now. Back to Saturday…our first big holiday since that time and…suddenly…I could have done no wrong. I could have stood on the dining room table, thrown the turkey on the floor and they would have thought it was the greatest thing ever. A bit over the top for me but whatever…
I’m glad the weekend is over.
But it’s left me with lots of questions.
Questions I attempted to get answered from. I started to look for M this weekend. Just to ask her questions. But I stopped. I decided it wasn’t worth it. Because what if she wanted to fight over my Hub? Do I have any fight left in me for him or us? Or would I have just handed him the phone and walked out the door?
I’m still struggling to understand HOW it all happened.
At what point does your conscience not kick in and scream “WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?? LOOK AT THE RING ON YOUR HAND!!!”
WHY did he do it? What made it so easy for him?
Why them? What was it about S & M?
WHY did the other women do it? Why didn’t they scream “YOU HAVE A RING ON YOUR HAND! I WILL NOT DO THIS WITH YOU!!”
Does he miss his relationships with either of them? Are there lingering feelings on his part for either of them?
Will it happen again…with anyone…with someone new?
Did I really hear God tell me he would be a man after His own heart like David?
What am I doing? Am I really doing what God wants me to do? Am I really where God wants me to be?
Is there any hope for our marriage? Are we on the right track?
I don’t feel that spark or that excitement I used to have even when we’d been married 14 years! Will I ever have that again? With him? Because honestly the thought of starting this process all over with someone new doesn’t thrill me at all. The idea of having that spark with someone else?? Seems foreign. Impossible. And to be perfectly honest, I’d rather be alone than to invite someone in to my life to hurt me like this again.
I feel like we don’t connect anymore. Is that normal?
We don’t really talk. It’s like we are talked out. News, sports and weather are the topics of conversation. He brings them up…I nod. I’m tired of small talk…but I’m tired of heavy talk.
We haven’t been intimate in almost 2 weeks. Is that normal for where we are in recovery?
I feel like I’m in a holding pattern.
But holding for what?