Hold Pattern

Well…the 1st major holiday hurdle is over for me.

I cried every day of Thanksgiving week.

Except one.

I expected the week to be hard.

I didn’t expect it to be THAT hard.

Triggers.

Everywhere.

From the time my feet hit the floor, until the exhaustion of the day over took my mind and I fell asleep.

Thanksgiving day my Hub was attentive, without being “hovering”.  Which is perfect for me.  I hate hovering.  I’m not dying.  I’m hurting.  Big difference.  Give me time.  Give me space.  But not too much of either.  Confused yet?  Yeah…I know…I confuse myself.

The next day was a “tiff”.  I tried to explain something to him about how I was feeling & he looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language…and then never replied.  Ummmmm…..ok…well….thanks for helping me solve that issue.  Can you hear the sarcasm?

The next day was Thanksgiving with his family.  Now – in the 20+ years we’ve been together my Hub’s family & I haven’t really been chummy.  His mom likes to make her digs about me or my family, his sister & dad ignore me…and he’s never batted an eye.  However, since my Hub moved out earlier this year they have all been very nice to me.  They don’t know he had an affair, but it’s like his whole family feels guilty for him moving out, so they are nice now.  Back to Saturday…our first big holiday since that time and…suddenly…I could have done no wrong.  I could have stood on the dining room table, thrown the turkey on the floor and they would have thought it was the greatest thing ever.  A bit over the top for me but whatever…

I’m glad the weekend is over.

But it’s left me with lots of questions.

Questions I attempted to get answered from.  I started to look for M this weekend.  Just to ask her questions.  But I stopped.  I decided it wasn’t worth it.  Because what if she wanted to fight over my Hub?  Do I have any fight left in me for him or us?  Or would I have just handed him the phone and walked out the door?

I’m still struggling to understand HOW it all happened.

At what point does your conscience not kick in and scream “WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??  LOOK AT THE RING ON YOUR HAND!!!”

WHY did he do it?  What made it so easy for him?

Why them?  What was it about S & M?

WHY did the other women do it?  Why didn’t they scream “YOU HAVE A RING ON YOUR HAND!  I WILL NOT DO THIS WITH YOU!!”

Does he miss his relationships with either of them?  Are there lingering feelings on his part for either of them?

Will it happen again…with anyone…with someone new?

Did I really hear God tell me he would be a man after His own heart like David?

What am I doing?  Am I really doing what God wants me to do?  Am I really where God wants me to be?

Is there any hope for our marriage?  Are we on the right track?

I don’t feel that spark or that excitement I used to have even when we’d been married 14 years!  Will I ever have that again?  With him?  Because honestly the thought of starting this process all over with someone new doesn’t thrill me at all.  The idea of having that spark with someone else??  Seems foreign.  Impossible.  And to be perfectly honest, I’d rather be alone than to invite someone in to my life to hurt me like this again.

I feel like we don’t connect anymore.  Is that normal?

We don’t really talk.  It’s like we are talked out.  News, sports and weather are the topics of conversation.  He brings them up…I nod.  I’m tired of small talk…but I’m tired of heavy talk.

We haven’t been intimate in almost 2 weeks.  Is that normal for where we are in recovery?

I feel like I’m in a holding pattern.

But holding for what?

~RH

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2 thoughts on “Hold Pattern

  1. My heart hurts for you – everything you’ve written is perfectly normal. In fact, I’d say you’re doing very well under the circumstances. You are a strong woman. Stronger than you know, I think.

    The triggers will always be there – like how a certain song or a certain smell will take you back to fond memories of past experiences. It’s just that these triggers take you back to something you’d rather not experience again. But they will lose their sting after a while. A few biggies will probably always hurt, but most will fade out of the picture.

    The other women have no reason to be honest with you, and every reason to stick it to you with exaggerations or outright lies. And like you said, it may open a can of worms to open communication with them.

    As far as what your husband saw in them – in most affairs, it isn’t so much that the other woman is special. In fact, there are often cases where the cheater “affairs down.” They pick someone that is not a good match for them at all, often from the wrong side of life. They are looking to escape from their real lives or fantasize about a different kind of life, and so they pick someone they would never pick in real life.

    Was there something wrong with you that made them feel a need to escape? Maybe, but most likely not. The character flaw lies within themselves, not in anyone around them. No matter what the situation in your marriage, they should have made wiser choices in dealing with them. There is NO EXCUSE for an affair, no justification possible. It is always, ALWAYS, wrong.

    Remember to separate your marriage from the affairs. The marriage is for both of you to work on and take responsibility for. The affairs were his choice and his responsibility and his fault alone.

    It is difficult to connect again after discovery of affairs. The cheater wants to hide from his shame and not deal with it. The betrayed needs to talk about it and make it make sense somehow. It often doesn’t make sense at all. There is no good explanation, but we need one.

    Sex is frequent and full of need and longing for some after an affair. For others, it is nauseating. Just be yourself.

    I also think that I would rather be alone than risk being hurt this way again. And I have chosen to stay, even though it is far from the beautiful love I thought I would have in my marriage. But that is me and what God wants in my particular situation. He says it’s ok to divorce after infidelity. When you have worked your way through enough muck to see your heart at its core, and you will know God’s will. Right now, it’s difficult because there is so much interference from your pain and your situation. Take it one step at a time. Don’t rush.

    Like

    1. Thank you. I had a friend just yesterday (who doesn’t know of my Hs affair) tell me I’m strong. I don’t feel strong. I feel like I’m just surviving. But ready to get on the other side of this mess. Maybe I am rushing. But it’s hard to want to slow down in this. I see what you are saying though.

      Liked by 1 person

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