Cheap Substitute

The last 3 days have been nice.  For the most part.
He started asking me to lay my head on his chest again.  When we dated he used to always say “come here” and motion for me to lay my head on his chest. And he still did that after we got married.  Except for the last couple of years. This week he has done it twice.
This week he did dishes.  He hasn’t done dishes in probably a year and a half.
This week he bought me flowers and gave them to me in person at home. The last time he bought me flowers was for my birthday last year. He ordered them, had them type the card, had them delivered at work and two weeks later he told me he wasn’t happy.

We did get in to it for a quick minute yesterday. He said I gave him a dirty look. The truth is I probably did because I had a trigger flash through my head at that exact moment. But I told him I didn’t give him a dirty look.  I don’t think he’ll ever understand how quick and from out of nowhere these stupid triggers come.
But, anyway obviously he’s being great. He’s not causing me any reason to question…BUT…
Will I ever stop feeling like a cheap substitute for M?
Why do I feel like a cheap substitute? I’m the wife! And have been for 17 years!
The mental battle that has taken place in the last 10 months has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced.  Trying to convince myself my husband loves me…that’s tough.


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