What’s This Desire?

As I’ve mentioned recently, things on the home front have been going pretty well.

Mentally & emotionally I’ve had lots of battles to fight lately, but I suppose that was to be expected given the timeline we seem to be on (10 months…almost 11 in).  Triggers are hitting hard & fast, however, I feel like I’m doing well.  When I’m having “a moment” I quietly go to another room (if possible) and listen to uplifting music or pray or cry…or all of the above.  If I can’t get away I just close my eyes & silently pray.

The mental & emotional battles have been hard, but at the same time I almost feel like they have been easier to deal with lately.  I guess partly because things at home are going well.  (We have found our laughter again – which is huge.  I missed that more than I can begin to tell you.)  I have also realize how important it is to change the ‘mental channel’ when the flashbacks &  triggers start to hit.  It’s not easy but I found when I push that away I am in a better place mentally & emotionally.  And I think that is better for our marriage and our family.

Some will argue that I am delaying my healing by pushing it away.  I guess only time will tell.  But, I can’t change what happened by thinking about it.  I will never understand it, no matter how many times I think about it.  So, does thinking about it really help me to heal?  I don’t think so.  My husband had affairs.  As ugly as that sounds, it’s the simple truth.  Is that the marriage I wanted?  No.  Can I change it now?  No.

I will always be a woman who was cheated on.

But I can also be a woman who learned how to forgive.

Forgiveness is hard.

Don’t tell me it’s not.

Daily I am asking God to help me forgive someone.  Because I can’t do it on my own.

And honestly, some days I don’t even want to.  But I know I have to.

And in this daily search of forgiveness, mental battles and emotional hells, we have managed to somehow find smiles.  And with every smile, I find I am loving him more than the day before.

And out of that love I find I have this desire for something new.  Something to mark a starting over.  Something to ‘bond us’ together.  I can’t really explain it, other than to say it’s similar to the feeling I had before we had our children.

Hear me out – I’m not interested in having another baby!

But…something that is our “baby”…our creation together.  Something that marks our new beginning.  Something that “bonds”.

I can’t put my finger on it.

But it’s a deep desire for …

something

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