As I’ve mentioned recently, things on the home front have been going pretty well.
Mentally & emotionally I’ve had lots of battles to fight lately, but I suppose that was to be expected given the timeline we seem to be on (10 months…almost 11 in). Triggers are hitting hard & fast, however, I feel like I’m doing well. When I’m having “a moment” I quietly go to another room (if possible) and listen to uplifting music or pray or cry…or all of the above. If I can’t get away I just close my eyes & silently pray.
The mental & emotional battles have been hard, but at the same time I almost feel like they have been easier to deal with lately. I guess partly because things at home are going well. (We have found our laughter again – which is huge. I missed that more than I can begin to tell you.) I have also realize how important it is to change the ‘mental channel’ when the flashbacks & triggers start to hit. It’s not easy but I found when I push that away I am in a better place mentally & emotionally. And I think that is better for our marriage and our family.
Some will argue that I am delaying my healing by pushing it away. I guess only time will tell. But, I can’t change what happened by thinking about it. I will never understand it, no matter how many times I think about it. So, does thinking about it really help me to heal? I don’t think so. My husband had affairs. As ugly as that sounds, it’s the simple truth. Is that the marriage I wanted? No. Can I change it now? No.
I will always be a woman who was cheated on.
But I can also be a woman who learned how to forgive.
Forgiveness is hard.
Don’t tell me it’s not.
Daily I am asking God to help me forgive someone. Because I can’t do it on my own.
And honestly, some days I don’t even want to. But I know I have to.
And in this daily search of forgiveness, mental battles and emotional hells, we have managed to somehow find smiles. And with every smile, I find I am loving him more than the day before.
And out of that love I find I have this desire for something new. Something to mark a starting over. Something to ‘bond us’ together. I can’t really explain it, other than to say it’s similar to the feeling I had before we had our children.
Hear me out – I’m not interested in having another baby!
But…something that is our “baby”…our creation together. Something that marks our new beginning. Something that “bonds”.
I can’t put my finger on it.
But it’s a deep desire for …