Journal Entry #1 – January 30, 2015

I broke this entry up into several posts as it was a lengthy journal entry & all over the place mentally. 

Over the last couple days I’ve really struggled with lots of different thoughts.  Emotionally I’m in a better place I suppose – less tears – but mentally I’m all over the place right now.  I’m sure that’s in part, due to the timeline – this time last year he was on vacation with M.

But partly too, I think may be some of what I’d managed to stuff down has worked its way up.  And maybe that’s because of one of the blogs I’ve started reading.  (And I’m not blaming the blogger for this).

She’s a WS – former – I should say – and many of the thoughts/feelings she expresses have been fears of mine – that Hub has felt the way she expressed.

(Side note: I am thankful for former WS’s posting from their POV, as it has been somewhat beneficial in gaining better understanding of the HOW’s…although I still don’t know that I will ever fully understand.  I don’t recommending reading her blog if you are still new to recovery, but if you are more than 6 months out it may be ok.  Besides, she’s a GREAT writer!)

For instance – she mentions in one post when her husband forgave her she felt compelled to work on the marriage, but I sensed she felt “trapped” and I had that fear after a few weeks (and maybe still do)…is he here because I didn’t ask for a divorce?  Is he here because I forgave and it guilted him into staying?

She mentions on her blog how much she missed and loved her AP.  And again – that has been a fear.  While I know for sure his affair with S was more than a one night stand – especially since I know it happened twice (at least) – I’m not convinced it was anything near love.  I honestly feel like it was sex – that’s it.

But I believe with every fiber of my being that his affair with M was love.  And I struggle with that.  Not that I don’t struggle with the affair with S  – but – I don’t know – somehow M has always been the more painful of the two.

The blogger also mentions that if she hadn’t gotten caught she doesn’t know what would have happened.  And maybe here is where my pain has laid.  Hub told me about S willingly.  But I caught him messaging M.  He says he was breaking it off with her.  I don’t know.  I’ll never know.  Maybe he was.  Maybe he wasn’t.  But I still wonder – what if I hadn’t caught him messaging her?


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