Journal Entry #4 – January 30, 2015

I still struggle knowing Hub had his affair with S while going to church.  And he was beginning his affair with M while still in church (he stopped going while involved), having devotions with our family and prayer time with our family.  How did everything inside Hub not scream at him to stop what he was doing?  And why could he not stop?  Did he really not want to?  WHY?

Hub says he always prayed for me – everyday.  Prayed what for me?  That I wouldn’t find out?  That I would die so he could be with his AP?  How do you pray for your wife and then proceed to betray her?


One thought on “Journal Entry #4 – January 30, 2015

  1. I did it, too. Every Sunday I swore to God that I would end it and prayed for the strength to stop. I prayed for my wife. I prayed for myself. I prayed for my AP. But it wasn’t my prayers God wanted, it was my obedience.

    An affair is not an all-or-nothing decision to commit oneself wholly to the sin, it’s usually a wrestling match between competing desires and affections – God, spouse, AP, and one’s self. An affair is also not necessarily a malicious act, but is always a self-centered one to the point of depraved indifference. That’s why I could pray for my wife and try to make her happy even as I betrayed her horribly.

    As much as I wanted my wife to be happy, and even as much as I sometimes wanted to end the affair, it wasn’t enough every time temptation and weakness would rear their ugly heads. Ending the affair meant never giving in, not even once, never again. Continuing the affair meant “just one more time” of putting myself first – maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week. Until I finally stopped putting myself first, I allowed it to survive.

    I hope this helps explain it, at least in part. It’s an ugly, complicated, nasty business, and I’m sorry your husband dragged you into it, too. I hope he is finally starting to put God first, you second, and himself last.

    Liked by 1 person

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