The other night we went out to dinner with a couple. It’s a couple we haven’t spent a lot time with, however the wife and I are very good friends. This is the first time all 4 of us have been together since D-day. Although the husband (my friend’s husband) doesn’t KNOW of the affairs, he suspected and told his wife he suspected once my husband began to treat me like dirt.
Today my friend was telling me that after dinner last week her husband told her how different I am and that he’s sad for that. He also said I seemed detached from my husband.
I know it.
I feel it.
I know I’m different.
I’m a different woman.
Whether alone or with my husband…I’m different.
I’m not sure I like it. But I think it’s who I am now.
I feel like I have a wall around me.
I’m quieter now.
But, I also know that I am MORE this way around my husband than I am without him.
Without him I smile more than I do with him.
Without him I feel less cautious with myself…more at ease.
Without him I laugh more.
And I think maybe that’s just because I don’t feel safe with him yet.
I don’t feel safe enough to share my smile or my laugh.
I still don’t FEEL the love for him.
I do love him. I know I do. I just don’t FEEL it like I once did.
I felt it before. I think there is hope that I can feel it again someday.
We aren’t affectionate like we used to be.
I miss that.
But, what has replaced that is a helpfulness…a consideration of the other person.
He helps with chores instead of sitting.
He helps me with my coat.
He carries my items for me.
He grocery shops with me (sometimes).
He gives me space to be alone and take time for myself. But at the same time he becomes concerned when I move to a different area of the room – away from him.
He notices what and how much I eat. He doesn’t say anything, but I can tell he is pleased when I have eaten everything on my plate, or more than I did this time last year.
I miss the look in his eyes. The one that said “I am so in love with you.”
But in some ways the new look…one that reminds me of a loving father, seems more genuine.
I can’t say life is good yet.
We have a very long way to go.
I have a very long way to go.
All I can say is life is different.
And I’m making peace with that.