Journal Entry #6 – January 30, 2015

I have changed.  I’m more cynical.  Less trusting – in everyone.  I smile less.  A lot less.  I don’t feel carefree anymore.  And actually – over the last couple months I have noticed I feel dead inside.  Even spiritually.  I have prayed about that – but it’s still here.  I feel like I’m just going through the motions in my Bible reading and prayer life.  That makes me sad.  How can I do this upcoming talk if I’m spiritually dead?

Physically I have changed as well.  My hair has gotten straighter over the last year.  It has lost much of its curl.  Can stress do that?

I lost all that weight – which I didn’t need to lose and my breasts are actually a cup smaller now – and they were small before.  I’ve been told decreased breast size can be a result of weight loss.  However, I have gained 15lbs this year.  But not back up there where I would have liked to!  No – now I have stretch marks on my hips – which I never even had in my pregnancies.

My physical changes have contributed to a bit more uneasiness about my appearance.  I continue to feel like they had bigger breasts, were more curvy, better body – on and on.  The other day I googled “am I pretty”!  Then I realized what I was doing!  How stupid!  What is wrong with me?!

I don’t know that I like who I have become over this past year.  I’ve had anger I never dreamed of.  I’ve thought of how to do horrible things to S – and it’s probably a good thing I don’t know what city to find M in.  I don’t know what I would have tried to do.

The day I screamed at S in front of the store I was a different woman.  I’ve never done anything like that.  Is that who I really am?  In some ways I’m partly thankful I did that.  But I’m ashamed too.  I’m thankful because I think she has kept her distance since that time (that’s when she knew I knew).  Probably not because she’s afraid of me – but because maybe, just maybe she saw and heard my pain.  She is keeping herself on her job when she could go to Hub’s area, which is more desirable.

I haven’t seen her drive past our house in months.


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