I have changed. I’m more cynical. Less trusting – in everyone. I smile less. A lot less. I don’t feel carefree anymore. And actually – over the last couple months I have noticed I feel dead inside. Even spiritually. I have prayed about that – but it’s still here. I feel like I’m just going through the motions in my Bible reading and prayer life. That makes me sad. How can I do this upcoming talk if I’m spiritually dead?
Physically I have changed as well. My hair has gotten straighter over the last year. It has lost much of its curl. Can stress do that?
I lost all that weight – which I didn’t need to lose and my breasts are actually a cup smaller now – and they were small before. I’ve been told decreased breast size can be a result of weight loss. However, I have gained 15lbs this year. But not back up there where I would have liked to! No – now I have stretch marks on my hips – which I never even had in my pregnancies.
My physical changes have contributed to a bit more uneasiness about my appearance. I continue to feel like they had bigger breasts, were more curvy, better body – on and on. The other day I googled “am I pretty”! Then I realized what I was doing! How stupid! What is wrong with me?!
I don’t know that I like who I have become over this past year. I’ve had anger I never dreamed of. I’ve thought of how to do horrible things to S – and it’s probably a good thing I don’t know what city to find M in. I don’t know what I would have tried to do.
The day I screamed at S in front of the store I was a different woman. I’ve never done anything like that. Is that who I really am? In some ways I’m partly thankful I did that. But I’m ashamed too. I’m thankful because I think she has kept her distance since that time (that’s when she knew I knew). Probably not because she’s afraid of me – but because maybe, just maybe she saw and heard my pain. She is keeping herself on her job when she could go to Hub’s area, which is more desirable.
I haven’t seen her drive past our house in months.