Journal Entry #7 – January 30, 2015

Our marriage is different.  In some ways it’s warmer.  In other ways colder…although I’m not sure that’s the word I’m looking for.   More distant?  No…on edge?  No…I don’t know how to say it.  I don’t feel safe with him yet.  So, I’m kind of closed off to him.  Maybe that’s the word I’m looking for.  I miss the way our relationship used to be full of fun and smiles.  I miss feeling safe.  I miss that so much.

Maybe I will always miss the old us.  Maybe not.  Maybe eventually we will be better than before.  But, I hope that safe feeling returns.  Otherwise, what’s the point?

I’ve also noticed lately (or maybe it’s just my imagination) that Hub seems suspicious of me.  He asks me what I’m doing, asks me about charges to the debit card, looks at my phone or Kindle…like I did something wrong!  I don’t have anything to hide, but I feel like I’m being punished for his deception.  Does he think I’m going to cheat because he did or is he nervous because now he knows how easy it must be to hide an affair?

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