Journal Entry – January 31, 2015

Yesterday turned into a disaster.

Hub called me to tell me his mom and grandma wanted to go to the winery we went to a couple of weeks ago, so he was going to take them.  When he was taking them home he called me and for some reason – stupid and selfish I know – it broke my heart.

I love him, but I have struggled to connect with him this year.  Our trips to the wineries have been the few times I have connected with him.  It was something we didn’t do before his affairs and something that neither he nor I had ever done with anyone else.  So I guess I felt like it was ‘our thing’.

Making love had been like that.  We had never experienced it with anyone else.  And not that wineries became that for me, but maybe in some strange was it did.

I’ve been searching for good memories – and the few good ones of this year were our trips to wineries.

He didn’t understand my meltdown – how could he – I barely understand it.

I need something to cling to.

Something I’m not sharing with anyone else.

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