Journal Entry – February 1, 2015

Well – it’s been a weekend filled with tears.

Today at church Pastor *Roberts was talking about idols.  He talked about how God is enough and we don’t need idols.  He talked about God calling the Israelite children adulterers.

I was ok.

Until…

“What if you found out *Lee cheated on *Betty?  Or Pastor *Myers cheated on *Denise?  Or what if you found out I cheated on *Sarah?  But, Lee won’t cheat on Betty.  Why?  Because he loves Betty.  And because Betty is enough for him.  Pastor Myers won’t cheat on Denise because he loves Denise and she is enough for him.  And I won’t cheat on Sarah because I love her and she is enough for me.”

And I lost it.

I don’t blame Pastor Roberts.  I understand what he was trying to say.

But…the words hit wrong.

It’s a week before the anniversary.

This time last year Hub was on vacation #2 with MistiCutie.

And I spent the rest of the day back in that place.

That place I don’t want to be in.

That place where I wonder – why couldn’t I be enough?  Why couldn’t Hub love me enough?

I want to curl up and hide away.

No responsibilities.

No people.

Just get in bed – alone – somewhere where no one can find me…

…and maybe when I get out of bed again I’ll find it’s all been a bad dream.

*not their real names

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One thought on “Journal Entry – February 1, 2015

  1. Oh man. That is rough. I think any one in your shoes would have struggled with that analogy. The point he was trying to make is fine, but man, oh, man does it skirt the real issues behind adultery. It’s not about the betrayed or the affair partner, it’s about the BETRAYER. Repeat that to yourself until you feel it in your bones. It’s not that you weren’t enough, HE wasn’t enough. He wasn’t man enough to care for you the way he promised he would on your wedding day. He wasn’t confident enough to know his own value without an easy woman constantly offering praise. He wasn’t honest enough to come to you with his doubts and insecurities and give you the opportunity to help him through the difficulty as his wife.

    IT TRULY WASN’T ABOUT YOU.

    Liked by 1 person

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