Torn

This weekend is our wedding anniversary.  I’m not sure how I feel about it.

We won’t be together this weekend.  I will be completely unavailable, as I have agreed to a speaking engagement and will shut out the rest of the world completely while I am away.  No phone.  No email.

I’m kind of relieved that we won’t be together for the weekend.  I think I have too many expectations of what we should do on occasions like this.  The other part of me wants to toss all occasions like this out the window and treat them as ordinary days.  I’m torn.

And after weeks of wanting to vomit when I see S or M’s names or faces or any triggers at all…now, suddenly, I’m back to that place I was at in the fall.  That place of indifference.  I don’t understand how this happens.  I don’t understand how my emotions swing from hate…(as much as I don’t want to admit it) to indifference.

But, again, with that indifference toward my husband’s affair partners, comes indifference toward him.  I love him.  I keep saying that.  But, would I be heartbroken if he walked out the door again?  I don’t think I would.  I might be hurt for sure.  But, I don’t think I’ve developed that bond with him yet to be completely devastated if he walked away right now.  At least not like I was when he walked away last year.

And so, I’m torn again.  Is this indifference I feel a good thing?  I enjoy it in regards to his AP’s.  It brings me a peace I need.  However, it always seems to come with indifference towards him.  And that makes me concerned.  And sad.

~RH

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4 thoughts on “Torn

  1. Dangerous waters, sailor… Indifference, in my opinion is a defense mechanism. Catch me up on your therapy/counseling status. Still going?

    My recommendation is to start the deeper communication. The lack of connection may be fueling your indifference. Hugs…hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Is your husband becoming emotionally distant? Call him on it if he is. Lack of communication is one of the things that landed most of us on this dark path. You are worth more than an indifferent relationship! Thinking of you, Jules

    Like

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