For the last several months I’ve felt stuck in this “recovery” process.
I haven’t been able to put my finger on why or how…or even what part of recovery had me “stuck”, but I just keep thinking “Is this it? Is this as good as it gets? Can’t I move on? I’m stuck.”
I stopped reading about adultery and recovery. Honestly, I felt like I had read all I could stomach. It was all beginning to sound the same. It was becoming depressing. Did I know all there was to know about adultery and recovery? And I’m still stuck? Stuck must be the new normal. Ugh.
But last week I started reading about recovery again. I’m not sure why really. Desperation maybe.
Everything I’ve picked up this week has been about the grieving process and how we have to allow that to happen, much like we allow the process to happen when we grieve the death of a loved one.
Then it was like a light bulb went off!
When a loved one passes away we have a funeral, pay our respects, remember good times, grieve for the future and allow ourselves to be sad – for as long as it takes.
When a marriage dies at the hands of adultery (even if recovery is in process the marriage you knew has died) there is no funeral, no time to mourn the good memories, grieve for the future, for the woman you once were, for the man you thought you knew, or for the security you once felt. We try to live life as normally as possible, while inside we are crumbling…unsure of how to move through the next steps of whatever stands before us now.
So, I’ve decided to hold a funeral.
Fourteen months ago today, in my kitchen, my marriage died. My dreams of the future died. The man I thought I knew died. And the woman I was died. But, I’ve never buried them.
This morning I began planning the funeral. It won’t be a big event. Just a quiet little service that I will probably hold alone. I will bury one of my favorite wedding pictures, a picture of my husband, and a picture of myself. I will write out eulogies for our marriage, for the husband I thought I knew and for the woman I was. I will place them all together in an envelope and bury them in the flower bed in front of our house.
Will this help me get “unstuck”? I don’t know. But, I don’t have anything to lose by doing this. I realize it’s more symbolic than anything since I can’t physically bury the marriage like we bury the bodies of loved ones. But, sometimes symbolism is just as real as anything. Just look at wedding rings. Once symbolic of love and life…now mine symbolizes ashes. Oh, how I wish I could bury those rings with everything else.
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” ~Revelation 21:4