Something New

So…here’s a new one…

Last night we were in bed for the purpose of sleeping.

Hubby started to touch me in ways that make me want to not sleep.

Normally, this would not be a problem.  But, remember I just had the precancerous cells removed two weeks ago.  So, I’m not permitted to have anything inside me until I go back to the doctor next week.

Now…stick with me on this…this post is going to get a bit sexual for a minute, but you need that information to get to the main point of all this.

I reminded him of this and he suggested rubbing only.

So, he rubbed me and I stroked him.

It felt good.

He was satisfied.

And…

I instantly burst (and I mean burst) in to tears.

No joke.

What’s up with that?

It’s like suddenly I had a big, fat, flashing neon sign in front of me: “YOUR HUSBAND CHEATED…(blink blink)…AND NOW YOU CAN’T HAVE SEX…(blink blink)…BUT HE CAN STILL HAVE SEX…(blink blink)…ANY.TIME.HE.WANTS.

UGH

I told him if he’s going to leave me to do it now.

Not tomorrow.

Not next week.

Not five years from now.

Now.

Then I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up this morning with swollen eyes for the first time in a couple months.

And as I was getting ready for work I thought about it all.

And it occurred to me that what bothers me the most is that I still don’t KNOW.

I still don’t know how he could tell me that even then – even when he was cheating on me – he loved me.

I still don’t know how you do that to someone you “love”.

And now I’m going to start rambling, but everything I knew was turned completely upside down.  How do I find my way out of that?  I just KNEW before he cheated that he would never cheat…and that he loved me.  Obviously what I knew was wrong…so how will I ever know the right love?  Let me explain the way someone else explained it (I could never fully explain it right until she said it this way):  In the movie The Truman Show the main character (Truman) was raised on a movie set. Everything in his world was ‘real’ to him, but then he discovered that it was all a movie set. From that point on he questioned everything – relationships, everything anyone told him, even himself. That is how I feel. 

Hence the ultimate question…I still don’t know how to know if he really loves me now…or is he just here because it’s the “right thing” or to ease his guilt.

The new tears led back to an old question.

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8 thoughts on “Something New

  1. Hugs to you. I feel your pain and know your anguish. Having a problem with your lady parts is harmful enough physically and mentally but emotionally it tears you up inside knowing your partner has no issues and cannot comprehend your level of insecurity. Also, I just knew that my husband would never cheat on me either because of the bond we shared but apparently I was wrong on that aspect. My husband has said he would never cheat on me either but he did and he says he still can’t believe that he did that. Now about the love aspect. I have no idea. My husband says he loves me and I question him about it. He says he has always loved me and he always will but I don’t understand. I don’t even know if I love him anymore but I want too. Could some of that be going on with you? Hugs to you today! I do appreciate you sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lady part problems would be difficult enough – and when you factor in that your cheating husband is where the problem stems from…that causes a huge hurdle. Yes…I don’t understand either. I know I don’t have those “feelings” of love for him anymore, but I also know that I choose to love him. I hope that someday those feelings return. I was crushed when he moved out and I found out about the affairs last year. Even while he was moved out I felt that love for him. But it was shattered once I knew the truth. If he were to move out today (not that I have any reason to believe he would) I’m sure it would hurt, but I don’t believe it would affect me like it did then, partly because I do not feel that for him. I do want to. I want to feel that again. And I would rather feel that for him than to try to feel that with anyone else.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh hugs to you. Yes, that toes make it even more difficult having the lady part problems due to your husband. That just hurts even more. I understand the “love” part too and it makes sense and is very sad. Shattered love is a very good description. Hugs to you. I hope your husband is being emotionally supportive of you in this time.

        Liked by 2 people

    2. I should also add that my husband told his AP two days after their physical affair started that he was falling in love with her but that makes no sense to me either because he refuses to believe he was having an emotional affair for years before this yet she told him she loved him on that first day of the physical affair???? Makes no sense to me!! Thus is why I’m confused over love now!! I’m sorry if this isn’t helping I get upset still.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Remember when someone is cheating they are delusional. Reading whore blogs and cheater blogs taught me how deeply delusional they are and its a useful lesson. There’s one right now who genuinely believes that his wife isn’t harmed by his affair because she doesn’t know. There’s plenty of whores think that too. That’s the kind of delusion he had back then. I will bet he thought of it in a similar way to how we would about sneaking a second piece of cake. Hey I get my cake and no one needs to know so no harm done. Except it’s not cake. While I agree they *didn’t* love us while cheating, I’d argue they didn’t love anyone not even themselves, definitely not the whores, I do think it’s possible to *believe* in their delusional minds that they loved us. JMO

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I asked husband today what lies he told Pig Shit to explain why he couldn’t leave me at that time. We have no children so he couldn’t pull that one out of the hat. He says he can’t remember and d’ya know what – I believe him. I’ve had too much truth in other areas to suspect he would need to cover up anything here.

    I’m increasingly starting to believe that cheaters can’t provide us with the answers we want because AFTER the event and we get to scrape the scales off their eyes, they are as incredulous as us! Whilst it was going in they were delusional- it really is like a mental illness. No one in their right mind would risk everything they have in their life for the sake of an easy shag.

    Like

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