So…here’s a new one…
Last night we were in bed for the purpose of sleeping.
Hubby started to touch me in ways that make me want to not sleep.
Normally, this would not be a problem. But, remember I just had the precancerous cells removed two weeks ago. So, I’m not permitted to have anything inside me until I go back to the doctor next week.
Now…stick with me on this…this post is going to get a bit sexual for a minute, but you need that information to get to the main point of all this.
I reminded him of this and he suggested rubbing only.
So, he rubbed me and I stroked him.
It felt good.
He was satisfied.
I instantly burst (and I mean burst) in to tears.
What’s up with that?
It’s like suddenly I had a big, fat, flashing neon sign in front of me: “YOUR HUSBAND CHEATED…(blink blink)…AND NOW YOU CAN’T HAVE SEX…(blink blink)…BUT HE CAN STILL HAVE SEX…(blink blink)…ANY.TIME.HE.WANTS.
I told him if he’s going to leave me to do it now.
Not next week.
Not five years from now.
Then I cried myself to sleep.
I woke up this morning with swollen eyes for the first time in a couple months.
And as I was getting ready for work I thought about it all.
And it occurred to me that what bothers me the most is that I still don’t KNOW.
I still don’t know how he could tell me that even then – even when he was cheating on me – he loved me.
I still don’t know how you do that to someone you “love”.
And now I’m going to start rambling, but everything I knew was turned completely upside down. How do I find my way out of that? I just KNEW before he cheated that he would never cheat…and that he loved me. Obviously what I knew was wrong…so how will I ever know the right love? Let me explain the way someone else explained it (I could never fully explain it right until she said it this way): In the movie The Truman Show the main character (Truman) was raised on a movie set. Everything in his world was ‘real’ to him, but then he discovered that it was all a movie set. From that point on he questioned everything – relationships, everything anyone told him, even himself. That is how I feel.
Hence the ultimate question…I still don’t know how to know if he really loves me now…or is he just here because it’s the “right thing” or to ease his guilt.
The new tears led back to an old question.