Discovering Safety

Last night we had another talk.

I don’t know about you guys, but essentially these conversations are always centered around the betrayal.

While I don’t know that it’s necessarily bad to discuss the feelings or behaviors that have to do with the affair(s) (as you must have these discussions to heal), frankly I wish it would go away and I would stop spending precious time thinking about it.

But, anyway…last night was yet another trigger.  I’ve had a lot of those lately.

Hubby asked what was wrong and instead of doing my usual “nothing” bit, I told him (silent cheer “yeah me”).

I told him what the trigger was and why it was a trigger.  I explained to him that my brain looks for patterns…and that “trigger” was actually one thing he did during his affairs.

He explained to me the reason for him doing that thing yesterday (which made sense) and walked around to where I was.  He kissed me and said “you don’t have anything to worry about.  I love you.”

And while I understand he was trying to comfort me, it didn’t.

And I told him.

“You see.  That’s just it.  You tell me not to worry.  But, it’s not that easy.  And when I didn’t worry is when you cheated!  So how do I know when I’m supposed to worry now?”

He was so patient.

He said, “First of all, you need to stop worrying because it’s bad for your health.  You need to be healthy.  You need to focus on your health right now and being positive.  Second, you never have to worry again.  I love you.”

And while that tiny voice in my head was screaming “you fool! He told you while he was cheating on you that he loved you!”, a different part of me was comforted and saying to me “it’s been over a year of consistency.  Over a year of consistent answers, patience and gentleness (for the most part).  Over a year of listening to every single thing I have to say – whether good or bad.  Over a year of not defending himself…but when necessary explaining a situation.  Over a year of changing behaviors, patterns, tones, and words spoken.  Maybe he really is safe.”

So…maybe I’m finding him to be safe.

Maybe I’m starting to have a little trust in him.

Maybe we are making more progress than I previously thought.

Maybe trust comes before the feelings of love?

~RH

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4 thoughts on “Discovering Safety

  1. Trust is an onion, it grows in layers. It regrows in layers. I don’t believe you can decide to trust, but you can decide to “suspend distrust” and wait and see. I’m a big believer that if you keep your eyes open the truth comes out eventually. After 4 years I’ve regrows several layers of trust. Many things I don’t even think about worrying about now. But I don’t think it is ever that innocent, visceral, all-layers trust you had when you first got the onion.

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  2. Oh RG what a statement maybe the trust comes first then the love😊
    I have to say I am no where near you and the man I still think of him as shady, sketchy, even after a year it’s nice to read about you though maybe one day for me

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  3. I think the triggers subside. I have had lots of conversations, just like yours – prompted by a trigger and then a revisit to all the betrayal stuff. They still explode from time to time. I still am no nearer to the why of it all but the conversations seem to deaden the trigger.
    I’m not sure about trust. I don’t doubt I love husband but trust? Could there be another perfect storm? Possibly! However I trust myself. I am not the naive trusting wife that I was. I see the world differently. We both do.
    I agree with Nephila, maybe we just suspend distrust and over time, with continuous commitment the trust returns.

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