Insane In The…

And for anyone around my age (ahem…late 30’s) you now have Cypress Hill stuck in your head.  You’re welcome.

Sorry I’ve been MIA.

I’ve actually been busy cleaning things out and selling them in my spare time.  It’s all part of my grand plan to pay things off & move away from hubby’s AP#1.

I haven’t seen her since graduation, but I’m still tired of knowing she’s around the corner and that I could bump into her at any given time.

The stuff I’ve sold hasn’t amounted to much yet – only about $300, but I’m $300 closer to moving than I was 2 weeks ago.  And less stuff to move when that day does come!

Hubby’s work moved people around the week after graduation.  AP #1’s ex-sister-in-law (and best friend – got that??  We will call her L) got moved to an area close to my hubby.  He said L spent 2 days glaring at him.  He thinks it’s because now he’s a boss (of sorts) and she’s mad that she’s not.  Personally, I think it is because her best friend got “dumped” (is that what you call it in an affair?) and now my hubby is the scum bag.  Nevermind that her best friend was screwing a man wearing a wedding ring.  I suppose she forgot that part.

I’ve actually had a really rough few weeks.  My head has not been in a good place (hence the song…cause that’s kinda how I’ve felt).  And maybe that’s why I’ve spent so much time (every free moment in the mornings before work, in the evenings, and even at work when possible) cleaning out, listing, pricing & boxing things up.  I think 1) it’s giving me something to do to get my mind off all the junk and 2) I know it is getting me closer to my goal of getting away from her.

I’m frustrated that both S & M are in my head every single day.  I want them gone.  I know there is no way they think about me, my family or the damage they have done…so why do I continue to be tormented by them?  There is so much unfairness to all this.  I deal with the STD.  I deal with the precancerous cells.  I deal with the triggers.  I deal with the hurt.  I deal with the heartbreak.  I deal with the anger.  I deal with the broken promises.  I deal with the fear.  I deal.  Yes.  I deal with it all.

What do they deal with?  Another man dumping them?  That’s it??  I know for sure S has a new boyfriend – obviously she wasn’t too hurt…she was able to move on.  And I’m guessing M probably has someone also.  Where is the fairness in this??  What did I do to deserve all this???  That’s what I keep coming back to.  Where is the fairness?  What did I do?

I’ve wanted to take a vacation – even just a weekend away, thinking that would help.  But, I know that will not only take funds away from my “moving” budget.  It’s not really the answer.  (And not to mention we’ve had almost a foot of rain this month – ugh).  I can never escape my head…and that’s really the issue.  Not physical location.

So, I’ve been just hanging on by a very thin thread.  I’ve been crabby.  I know it.  I’m not sleeping again.  I can’t.  I try.  I’m tired.  But sleep will not come.  Some days I don’t eat – I’m just simply not hungry at all.  Other days, I eat a lot.  I’ve gained weight and feel like a slug.  I haven’t run in a month (mostly because it’s a freaking thunderstorm every time I get the chance to run).  I’ve been a horrible wife & mother.  I just want to escape the mass chaos inside my head & heart and I CAN’T!  But, last night a friend had a get together at her house for us girls.  Being with my friends for about 2 hours felt like time on a beach.  I felt so relaxed the moment I walked in & hugged everyone.  I laughed and smiled and for 2 hours the affairs didn’t cross my mind once.  I was free.  I was the happy me I used to be!!  I went home feeling refreshed, tucked the kids in, crawled in bed with my hubby and went to sleep…and I slept the whole night!!!  I had more mental peace and clarity when I woke up this morning than I have had in probably 2 months.

Can just 2 hours with friends make that much difference?

I don’t know – but it sure seemed to help me!

Maybe that’s a mental vacation…and that’s all I needed in the first place.

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One thought on “Insane In The…

  1. I’m much older than you but I share your torment. I don’t think it’s an age thing it’s an adultery thing! It is really unfair – this can never be denied. I hate the way the AP gets off on criticising the way she was treated in the end – when the husband dumps her & shows where his priorities lie – his wife! Pig Shit didn’t think about me during her meet n’shags with my husband so she won’t think about me now – after she texted me the details!!!! However she lives in my head and I despise this fact. Being busy does help and even if only for a short time the respite is wonderful.
    By the way you are NOT either a bad wife or a bad mother – you are a woman dealing with adultery and this affects us emotionally in more ways than we imagine. Keep on with your saving pot and plans to move. You’ve got a lovely life to deal with – once this adultery crap moves out!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

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