Happy ‘Be Careful Scratching Your Mosquito Bites That Are On Top Of Your Sunburn’ Day. Ok…fine, so I made that one up, but hey I wasn’t crazy about “International Kissing Day” or “National Fried Chicken Day”…and since I am still looking for holidays I can celebrate I decided to make one up for today. And that one fits…for me anyway. (For those of you who are new to my blog let me catch you up. I had written a couple times about how every single holiday has been ruined by my husband’s affairs and I need new ones. Somewhere are the blogs about it…you can search for them. I don’t feel like it right now.)
On Thursday evening, the start to my long holiday weekend, I found out that S HAS been moved to my husband’s shift. He saw her the day before. (oh boy) I blew up as a combination of emotions began to overwhelm me. My husband was drinking a beer and trying to wind down from a horrible day at work. I started to blow. He walked over, wrapped his arms around me, kissed my head, and told me he loves me.
I appreciate that he does that.
But, it makes me angry that he needs to do that now.
Do you get that?
That’s the kind of crap that makes me angry now. This “residual” garbage. That may or may not ever go away.
In fact, I dealt with so many little triggers during the long holiday weekend that last night when hubby asked me what I wanted to do, I thought he was asking me what I wanted to do about the marriage. It never occurred to me he was asking “what do you want to do tonight?”!
That’s the residual crap that makes me mad! My husband should be able to ask me a general question like that without my mind instantly turning inward toward our marriage!
I’m tired of fighting the “does he love me?” battle.
Do people have any idea how exhausting it is to convince yourself that your spouse really does love you?
Honestly, I think part of the mental battles were from the holiday. Holidays are full of triggers for me. Coupled with all the concerts, get-togethers, ballgames, fireworks…exhaustion – I think that made it a mentally draining weekend as well.
I didn’t used to mind all the hustle and bustle, but I’ve found that after his affairs the rush, rush, rush of life wears on me emotionally and mentally. I’m not sure why. You would think it would give me something else to think about and it’s be an escape. But, that doesn’t seem to be the case.
So, I’m going to take tomorrow morning off…and maybe the afternoon too, and relax a little. I’m going to sit and read and maybe clean house (it’s making me nuts right now), go at my own pace and enjoy a few hours of slow down. And I’m really looking forward to it! For me it feels like something to celebrate.