I’m not doing well.
I haven’t been doing well for the last few weeks.
What happened to the progress I was making?
I don’t know. I simply don’t know.
And that bothers me.
It bothers me that I was climbing out of the pit…and for some unknown reason have begun to slip back down in the muck.
A couple of days ago he asked me what has been wrong. He told me I’ve been distant.
I told him I’m afraid. And I hurt.
He said “I’ve told you I’m sorry. I was stupid. I never wanted that to happen. I want you. I love you.”
And that’s supposed to be the magic cure to make it all better?
He’s upset because “he wants to feel wanted”.
My reply? “I did everything I knew to do to let you know I wanted you. It wasn’t enough. Why do I want to put myself out there again?”
“The road runs both ways”, he said.
“Well…my road is still under construction”, I told him.
He said it seemed to him that I didn’t want any more repair done to my roads.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
Yeah…cause I like to feel like an emotional train wreck every day of my life. (insert eye roll here)
I’ve felt more emotions in the past year and a half than I ever knew were possible.
Not to mention – I WANT to feel wanted. Affairs don’t really offer that.
We’ve fought more in the last couple days. And it’s been over stupid stuff.
Example: last night I went to the store to buy stuff to make his birthday dinner (today is his birthday). The kids were with me (he had to hand out football equipment) so we stopped at Target to buy new bras, socks & underwear for them since they both have had growth spurts lately. I also picked up a pair of headphones that the youngest has to have for school. I decided I’d buy the other school supplies at a different store on a different day. Anyway, after hub got home our son was showing him his new headphones. My husband said “am I going to have any money to pay bills with?”. I said “I should be able to buy our children new socks & underwear when they need it. And if I can’t afford to do that then we have done something seriously wrong.” Now…let me add to this that just Saturday – 5 days before this argument – my husband bought 2 new pairs of softball pants because he couldn’t possibly finish the softball season (which ends in August) in the 1 pair (with a small rip) he has now. IF I COULD HAVE SCREAMED AT HIM I WOULD HAVE. After I made the comment about being able to buy the kids new undergarments when needed he said “oh I thought you bought school supplies – which can wait.” (Semi-apology? I don’t know.) Too late. I was already fuming. So…we can buy softball pants for you, but not undergarments AND/OR school supplies for our children? Have you lost your mind?!?
Well…I’m about to lose mine. This pit of affair…or despair – whatever you want to call it has done me in. I’ve decided to find a new counselor. For me. I’m going to go because I need to know how to get out of this black hole that keeps sucking me back in.
****In other news…his friend Jackie has been in town for about 3 weeks. For those of you don’t know Jackie and hub were friends as kids. They lost touch (she moved out-of-state) and then around the time of his affair with Stacey he found Jackie on facebook. The spent the summer chatting. I even talked to her. She seemed like a great person. I actually thought we were becoming friends. She came for a visit (as she does about every other year) and we hung out a couple of times. After she went back home I began to put pieces together and figured out she is a lying snake. She had been lying to me the entire time we’d been talking and then turning around and lying ABOUT me to husband (which drips of ill-intent to me). After D-day hub stopped talking to her and she ended up blocking me from facebook (what does that tell you?). Anyway, hubs sister told him that Jackie was in town about three weeks ago. Neither she nor he made contact with each other (that I know of) and now she is back home. Her step-mom and I knew each other even before I ever knew Jackie & have been friends on facebook for years. I’ve found it interesting that her step-mom has only posted 1 picture (in 3 weeks – including a wedding for Jackie’s half brother) of them all together. I never mentioned to her step-mom about all the lying and whatnot…it wasn’t fair to her to drag her in the middle. But, perhaps her lying ways have caused issues for her step-mom as well.
Anyway…those are the resent ramblings and adventures of ReGen. I’m always so all over the place.
Thankfully you guys don’t seem to mind.