The Place Where Dreams Turn in to Nightmares

Last week we went on a family vacation.  And while I hope to write a little review about that vacation (something I don’t normally do here) later, I want to off-load the junk from that week.

One incident in particular.

We arrived in Florida on Sunday late afternoon.  We got settled and the kids swam that night.

On Monday we went as a family to a theme park…all was well – we were having a nice time.

Tuesday we headed to the second theme park…on the way a funny thing happened.  We laughed…and I laughed so hard I cried (a first in many months).  We enjoyed a day of roaming around and riding rides…and even bumping in to a family we know.  It was about an hour and a half until park close…and my husband said “what do you want to do?”

“I don’t care.”

“I’m tired of hearing that come out of your mouth!   Every time I ask you want you want to do that’s what I hear!”

And I shut down.

I was done.

Oh, sure…he tried to talk nice to me (not suck up nice, but like nothing ever happened nice) a few minutes later.  But, it was too little too late.  I was done.  I replied when a reply was needed, but that was all.

Nearly 3 hours later he asked me what was wrong.  I told him I didn’t appreciate being yelled at or talked to that way.  He said “well, every time I ask you, that’s all I’ve heard.”  So, I told him I had given him suggestions throughout the day of what we could see next, yet they weren’t paid attention too.  HOWEVER, I didn’t mind because I felt like we were seeing what the kids wanted to see & I knew that most likely we would get to what I suggested later on, therefore it was NOT a big deal to me.  I had been having a great time, until that moment.

He never apologized.

I still didn’t talk until necessary.

That night he kissed my cheek and told me he loves me.  And I guess that was supposed to be the end of it.

But my feelings were already hurt.

And I had already had the poison run through my head and my heart…”I bet he never yelled at M when he was on vacation with her in Atlantic City!”

Why did my mind instantly go there?

Why does it always?

When will the day come that it doesn’t?

For now it does…that is my reality.  And so…on day 2 at the “happiest place on earth” I walked out sad, emotionally alone, and hurt.

And as we passed through the crowds the rest of the week my mind turned to thoughts of “what if”….

…M is here?

…he sees her?

…they planned to see each other?

…he is looking for her here?

I wouldn’t even know.  I don’t know what she looks like.  She has hidden herself from me.  She has hidden all of her information from me…all I have is her Kik handle, that she lives in Maryland and is mid 30’s.  Apparently she’s also not on social media (or so she told my husband).  Either she’s smart about keeping herself hidden or a coward…I know which one I vote for, but then again I’m biased.  Anyway, I saw a picture once…but I don’t know if it was her or possibly a daughter (if she has a daughter – I don’t know).  So, if she would have been in Florida…if he would have seen her, I wouldn’t have known.

On Sunday we returned to reality…and today it gets really real.  I head to the doctor for my 3 month check up today.  The check up to see if the procedure to remove the precancerous cells worked.  The precancerous cells from HPV.  The HPV I now have from my husband…and either (or possibly both) S or M.

Somebody stop this ride.

I want to get off.



7 thoughts on “The Place Where Dreams Turn in to Nightmares

  1. This is an ongoing theme for us. H asks what I’d like to do, I give him a suggestion, the idea doesn’t appeal to him, and we end up doing what he decides to do. This is usually fine with me. The next time, he asks me what I want to do, I say I don’t care, whatever you want, and he doesn’t like that either. I’ve learned that asking him for suggestions that I can choose from sometimes helps, but not always. Most of the time I truly don’t have a preference, I’m just glad to have the opportunity to do -blank-.
    But H feels like the pressure is on him to make decisions for both of us, so it feels like a no-win.

    It’s a shame that something so simple ruined your trip, especially since you had some trepidation about going there in the first place😕

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hate that when it happened. Typical guy response! Your reaction is completely NORMAL! I called it the “switch” and it would happen to me just as you described. Especially when he would ask, “What’s wrong NOW?” OMFG – I wanted to kill him there and then. I would do the same – just shut down. It’s a defense mechanism for us BS’s. Insulation and protection. If I could mute him when he pulled that crap, I would have. 😉

    It gets better, but realize guys just don’t think like women. You know that. We all do. They want to compartmentalize and move on. They see things in black/white – logical and not emotional. It’s frustrating but he will become more sensitive. Men – they really have no clue, do they?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh my gosh!! I’m cracking up at the thought of a “mute” button on them! Oh…yes…how handy that would be!! I hate that you are in this boat with me, but love that you get it & your comments nearly always crack me up!!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Here’s how I started to try to think about this for both myself and to try to get my husband to understand why this plays out like this: the terms of our contract have to change and we are presently renegotiating them. I didn’t plan to do this. Ever. So I don’t actually know what to write in the new agreement. I wanted a faithful husband I could trust. In thinking I had that, I was less worried about some of the other line items. He isn’t the romantic I kind of pictured myself with? That’s okay. I know he loves me and I don’t need flowers and mush. I need honest and loyal. I need him. He thinks cards are stupid? Well, I kind of love them and keep every one, but this isn’t who he is and I love him. Only not anymore. Now I have to give up the thing I thought I had. The husband who always chose me. I’ll never get it back. So I have to change and I have to give up my biggest need. So now, all my little ones are going to have to fill up that hole…and he gets to be the man I want and need. Or he can choose not to be. I’m choosing to stay in this knowing he isn’t what I want. I want a faithful husband. But if I accept that, it’s my only place to give. Now I want the things I never thought I could have, that I would not have even made him try to be if it were not for this. And perhaps some will think it is unfair for me to change the rules and expect him to be someone he never was. I think it’s how he shows me I matter. He changed the rules. He changed who he was to cheat. He is asking me to change my rules and accept this betrayal and to change and become a woman capable of staying. If I am doing that for him, I am most certainly not staying with a man who cheated on me and is not fully aware that he is lucky to be able to have the chance to work through this. This doesn’t give me license to mistreat him or mean he has to squash his feelings all the time, but it does mean he should a lot of the time. Because I am. And if I did what he did when I was feeling unloved and unsafe and unappreciated I would most definitely be sleeping with someone else right now.
    When I put it that way to him, he managed to genuinely find a great deal more patience. It is impossible for them to get it, but they can understand this. I told him maybe I’m unreasonable and difficult, and maybe any man would be annoyed with me and my critical ways or indecisiveness but if I’m going to get snapped at by someone, it will absolutely not be a man who cheated on me. Things have been far more compassionate ever since. He knows I’m trying to stay and he has to help me – I can’t even meet him in the middle. We didn’t do this, you know. Take care of yourself. xx


  4. Been there, got the T shirt. These minor marital irritations before Dday were dealt with very differently. But now, they ricochet off the adultery neural nework and then the minor squall is subsumed with my thoughts and feelings about his asshole behaviour. They forget they’re treading on thin ice!


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