Last week we went on a family vacation. And while I hope to write a little review about that vacation (something I don’t normally do here) later, I want to off-load the junk from that week.
One incident in particular.
We arrived in Florida on Sunday late afternoon. We got settled and the kids swam that night.
On Monday we went as a family to a theme park…all was well – we were having a nice time.
Tuesday we headed to the second theme park…on the way a funny thing happened. We laughed…and I laughed so hard I cried (a first in many months). We enjoyed a day of roaming around and riding rides…and even bumping in to a family we know. It was about an hour and a half until park close…and my husband said “what do you want to do?”
“I don’t care.”
“I’m tired of hearing that come out of your mouth! Every time I ask you want you want to do that’s what I hear!”
And I shut down.
I was done.
Oh, sure…he tried to talk nice to me (not suck up nice, but like nothing ever happened nice) a few minutes later. But, it was too little too late. I was done. I replied when a reply was needed, but that was all.
Nearly 3 hours later he asked me what was wrong. I told him I didn’t appreciate being yelled at or talked to that way. He said “well, every time I ask you, that’s all I’ve heard.” So, I told him I had given him suggestions throughout the day of what we could see next, yet they weren’t paid attention too. HOWEVER, I didn’t mind because I felt like we were seeing what the kids wanted to see & I knew that most likely we would get to what I suggested later on, therefore it was NOT a big deal to me. I had been having a great time, until that moment.
He never apologized.
I still didn’t talk until necessary.
That night he kissed my cheek and told me he loves me. And I guess that was supposed to be the end of it.
But my feelings were already hurt.
And I had already had the poison run through my head and my heart…”I bet he never yelled at M when he was on vacation with her in Atlantic City!”
Why did my mind instantly go there?
Why does it always?
When will the day come that it doesn’t?
For now it does…that is my reality. And so…on day 2 at the “happiest place on earth” I walked out sad, emotionally alone, and hurt.
And as we passed through the crowds the rest of the week my mind turned to thoughts of “what if”….
…M is here?
…he sees her?
…they planned to see each other?
…he is looking for her here?
I wouldn’t even know. I don’t know what she looks like. She has hidden herself from me. She has hidden all of her information from me…all I have is her Kik handle, that she lives in Maryland and is mid 30’s. Apparently she’s also not on social media (or so she told my husband). Either she’s smart about keeping herself hidden or a coward…I know which one I vote for, but then again I’m biased. Anyway, I saw a picture once…but I don’t know if it was her or possibly a daughter (if she has a daughter – I don’t know). So, if she would have been in Florida…if he would have seen her, I wouldn’t have known.
On Sunday we returned to reality…and today it gets really real. I head to the doctor for my 3 month check up today. The check up to see if the procedure to remove the precancerous cells worked. The precancerous cells from HPV. The HPV I now have from my husband…and either (or possibly both) S or M.
Somebody stop this ride.
I want to get off.