I’m pretty sure I’ve written about this before, but maybe not. And even if I have written about it before, I’m going to write about it again…because it’s what on my mind…and seriously this blog is more about me clearing my head than you reading astounding prose.
So…here it goes.
Since D-day I have changed. And I can’t decide if that’s good or bad. Maybe it’s a little bit of both.
My thought life. I used to spend large chunks of my day thinking about Hub. I missed him when we were apart. I would get excited when it was almost time to see him. I even missed him when he first moved out. Then I grew to the point of feeling complete peace with our separation. But when I would hear the sound of the garage door…ugh… I’d cringe and my stomach would knot. He would enter that way when he came to pick up the kids or gather a few more items. Would he want to talk? Would he ignore me? I never knew…and I dreaded it either way.
This past Monday I was off work. He was at work. He worked 3 hours later than usual. That night he asked me if I had missed during the day. And you know what? I didn’t know how to answer. Because I didn’t. It’s not that I was glad he was gone and I was home. It’s just that I didn’t even think about him during the course of the day.
Part of me is sad I don’t think of him or miss him when we are apart like I used to. Am I sad because I think I should miss him but don’t? Or am I sad because I miss that “head over heels” feeling about someone? I don’t know.
Part of me is relieved I don’t think of him or miss him like used to. Maybe it isn’t healthy to be that attached to someone. Maybe I’m emotionally healthier now than I used to be.
Friends. During his second affair is when our friendship unraveled. Prior to that we were best friends. We did lots together and talked about everything. We played games together. We just enjoyed each others company.
I don’t talk to him as much now. Is he my friend? Yeah. Is he my best friend? No. I no longer feel the desire to tell him everything. And it’s not that I am trying to hide anything. It’s just that I feel very quiet when I am with him. More introverted I guess. Maybe it’s that I’m not ready to share every detail of myself yet. Maybe as I’ve aged over the past 2 years I have become quieter and it has nothing to do with his affairs.
Celebrations. Birthdays, holidays…I used to love them all. Decorations, food, photos, laughter, people…and lots of smiles. Now…I don’t like them. I don’t really hate them…I just don’t like them. I don’t want to buy gifts, I don’t want to decorate, I don’t want do it…any of it. It’s exhausting. Can’t I just drink a cup of coffee, read a book & sit in sweats for every single special day (yes – essentially ignoring it)?
Trust. I’m still trying to figure out what trust is exactly. I trust my sister. I don’t trust my brother. I trust my parents. I trust my children, but have explained to them that once they break that trust it will be gone. I don’t trust my decision making abilities. I do trust my gut more than I used to…but am afraid to put all my trust in “what my gut tells me”, knowing it could lead me down the wrong path. I don’t distrust my husband. But neither do I trust him completely. I realize that at any moment another affair is possible, so there is no sense in me checking his messages or phone records constantly. I can never stop it if he wants it to happen. I’ll just have to wait…and if it ever happens again, deal with it then.
On the flip side of trust is his trust in me. Sometimes I get the sense he doesn’t trust me. Maybe it’s because he knows how easy it was for him to cheat. But, then again, shouldn’t he know what to look for in a cheater? But, maybe he just asks more questions of me in hopes of getting me to talk since I don’t offer up information.
Questions. I’ve heard many betrayed spouses say “the questions are endless”…and this is certainly true in my case. From the beginning I opted not to ask many questions realizing I could never “unknow” any details and that knowledge could possibly feed my fears more than putting them to rest. On the other hand I have had to fill in the gaps on my own. In many cases I’ve had to create my own reality out of the little bits I do know. That’s probably done me no favors. And some days I wish I could go back in time and pepper him with questions, but then I realize the twisted mess that is my mind and think better of it.
One question has come up over these last few months though. One question I would never ask Hub, but I will pose here:
How does it feel when you realize you have damaged the love of a good woman?
How does it feel to know your actions have permanently changed who she is?