Testing, Testing

For those of you who are fairly new here, you may not be aware of the health issues hubs affairs have caused me.

Early last month I was scheduled for another test.

About a week before my test I had a complete melt-down.  I laid in bed one Friday night and sobbed.  I was fearing the worst; hoping for the best.

Struggling with my (still) new reality.

My life now consists of going to the doctor a minimum of every 4 months; sometimes as much as every 3 weeks.

Because of my husband.

I didn’t make this choice.  I wasn’t even the one stupid enough to do this.  But, I’m the one that has to deal with it.

He listened to me cry.

And then he said, “I’m going through it with you.  And I live with the guilt of knowing I did this to you.”

I know what he’s saying.

But, that’s not the reality of the situation.

So, I told him.

“But, see, you’re not.  This is my body.  Not yours.  The reality of it is, you can walk out the door tomorrow.  And I’m still here, living this.  Day in & day out.  Doctor’s appointments & procedures…it’s me that has to do this.  With or without you.”

Does he understand?

Will he ever?

He made choices for me.

Choices I would have never made for myself.

So, I went back to the doctor for another test.

The results came back about 3 weeks ago.

Still no changes.

I was so hopeful that this time the test would come back clear.

I was so hopeful that they (the women) would finally be out of my body.

 

So, I wait for re-test #3 in early June.

~RH

 

 

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17 thoughts on “Testing, Testing

  1. At least he offered to “go through it with you.” Mine gave me an incurable disease and then taunted me by saying “if you care enough, it doesn’t matter.” His WTC already had it, so no worries for them.
    His attitude toward me? “Get over it.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Since he had 2 affairs it’s hard to say which one this came from. I suspect the second, but honestly don’t know. Would it make either of them think in the future? I doubt it.

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    1. Actually, his physical presence or absence will make no difference to my physical health. That was the point of this post. I already have the precancerous cells from the HPV he gave me. If I walk out the door the cells are still in my body.

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      1. Actually, I think I’m doing fairly well. The anger only really appears when I find myself near appointment time. I believe there are people who emotionally heal better when they divorce, however in our case we have been able walk the process of recovery together.

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  2. Like we don’t have enough triggers from the reality of what our husbands did!

    To have a sexually transmitted disease thrown into the cess pit of it all must make it even more traumatic. I am so sorry that you are having to endure this.

    These skanky low lifes invading not only our marriages but our bodies – it is despicable.
    I hope the results start to show a more positive result soon. Love to you xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. So sorry you are going through this. It has been one of the harder parts of recovery for me…knowing that someone made choices that dramatically affected ME…and I had no say at all. Hoping for improvement in June. HUGS.

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