After hub moved back home it was still a while before we had sex.
I don’t remember me crying after the first time (post D-day), but I know it was early on in our efforts at reconciliation that I would burst into tears immediately after (and sometimes even during) our love making.
It hurt so much to know he had no regard for me.
I was disposable to him.
I had loved him so much.
Yet all of that love meant nothing to him.
Why couldn’t he love me as much as I had loved him?
At one point (prior to D-day) I had a man chasing me relentlessly. I had plenty of opportunities to cheat on Hub. And it’s not that I never found the other man attractive or charming. He was.
But I still NEVER cheated.
Because I made a promise to Hub.
Why was his promise a “pie crust promise” (as Mary Poppins says)?
Why was mine not?
My head would spin after we made love “were they better than me?” “Do they look better?” “Why does this hurt so much?” “When will the hurt go away?” “WHY?”
I reached a point a while back when I posted on here that I didn’t feel anything for him any more. I love him, because I choose to love him, but I don’t feel any feelings of love toward him.
I realized one night I had stopped crying.
But I also felt dirty and empty.
When we had sex I knew he was making love to me (it wasn’t just sex), yet everything inside me screamed “I don’t want to do this”, but I would force myself anyway. I don’t know why.
Then….after…I would feel hollow.
But I didn’t cry.
And it was kind of nice to not cry any more.
But I hated the feeling of wanting to scream during and hollowness after.
Last night was different.
I cried again.
And my head swirled wondering, “why does this still hurt? It’s been 26 months!”
And I realized, it wouldn’t hurt if I didn’t love him.
Maybe the feelings are coming back.
Either way, the pain is better than emptiness.