I Did It Again

After hub moved back home it was still a while before we had sex.

I don’t remember me crying after the first time (post D-day), but I know it was early on in our efforts at reconciliation that I would burst into tears immediately after (and sometimes even during) our love making.

Every.single.time.

It hurt so much to know he had no regard for me.

I was disposable to him.

I had loved him so much.

Yet all of that love meant nothing to him.

Why couldn’t he love me as much as I had loved him?

At one point (prior to D-day) I had a man chasing me relentlessly.  I had plenty of opportunities to cheat on Hub.  And it’s not that I never found the other man attractive or charming.  He was.

But I still NEVER cheated.

Because I made a promise to Hub.

Why was his promise a “pie crust promise” (as Mary Poppins says)?

Why was mine not?

My head would spin after we made love “were they better than me?”  “Do they look better?”  “Why does this hurt so much?”  “When will the hurt go away?”  “WHY?”

I reached a point a while back when I posted on here that I didn’t feel anything for him any more.  I love him, because I choose to love him, but I don’t feel any feelings of love toward him.

I realized one night I had stopped crying.

But I also felt dirty and empty.

When we had sex I knew he was making love to me (it wasn’t just sex), yet everything inside me screamed “I don’t want to do this”, but I would force myself anyway.  I don’t know why.

Then….after…I would feel hollow.

But I didn’t cry.

And it was kind of nice to not cry any more.

But I hated the feeling of wanting to scream during and hollowness after.

Last night was different.

I cried again.

And my head swirled wondering, “why does this still hurt?  It’s been 26 months!”

And I realized, it wouldn’t hurt if I didn’t love him.

Maybe the feelings are coming back.

Either way, the pain is better than emptiness.

~RH

 

 

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6 thoughts on “I Did It Again

  1. I remember early on after dday the hysterical bonding. No tears just trying to reclaim what was mine. After the hysterical bonding period was over I remember crying ALOT during sex. The images of him with her brought on those tears. But also the pain of what he did and how far we had come and how much I loved him brought those tears.
    (((Hugs)))

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m 18 mos out from hysterical bonding and feeling awful about sex. Convinced I can’t compete with illicit hotel sex, with a woman who was, um, enthusiastically driven to have my husband. Not younger, not attractive (I’m a hot shit compared to her), but basically always had her mouth open and always completed the act. Completely. I feel inferior and will never perform that act again. It was her calling card. (I wonder if her husband got one everyday?) So those thoughts appear and I’m done. Done. And I really like sex, I just can’t shake the insecurity. I feel fat, unsexy and ugly – she was thinner than I, and an outdoorsy type. I end up either starving myself or nose deep in a jar of Nutella. Neither feels good. And then I miss having sex.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh how I feel you!! AP # 1 is a….(I’m trying to put this nicely)…hefty woman. I’m 5 feet 4 inches – and hover right around 113 lbs – obviously not overweight. I’m not sure about AP # 2. I’ve never seen a picture of her (I may have, but I wasn’t sure if it was really her or a daughter or sister). But, my goodness – even knowing AP # 1 is a large girl I still struggle with feeling fat, ugly, and generally unsexy. It has become a daily battle (that sometimes I just don’t have the energy to fight) to remind myself I am beautiful. If we were 80 lbs or 300 lbs, if we are indoors girls or outdoor girls, if we are nerdy or adventurous – it doesn’t matter. None of those things gave our husbands permission to cheat. Our husbands have gained or lost weight or hair. We haven’t cheated on them. This was a choice they made based on their issues with themselves.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. My husband’s ow was 16 years younger and we are shaped about the same, but complete opposites according to him. Funny thing is she started going to the gym after meeting my husband -her fiancé told me ( my husband is a huge gym guy). Guess she felt she needed to like the same things as he did and to compete with me being a Zumba instructor to keep him. The OW’s calling card was with her mouth as well. That’s how she started it off with my husband. You would’ve thought I was a fly on the wall when I told him word for word how I thought their first encounter went down.
      My insecurities are still there, but I won’t allow her to “win” in my mind and have better skills in the bedroom with my husband.

      Liked by 1 person

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