The Struggle is Real…part 2

As I mentioned yesterday things have been a struggle lately.

After typing it out (which allows me to think about it) I realized this tends to be a pattern we go through every few months.

Something happens, either his end or mine…(I haven’t figured that out yet)…but what I do notice is the touches come less frequently, I begin to feel rejected, I pull back, he begins to feel rejected, he pulls back…and before you know it we have both pulled away.

Last night he had a game.  He asked if I was going to go.  I asked him if he wanted me to (notice: feeling rejected – I don’t want to be there if I’m not wanted).  He said yes, but understood if I didn’t want to go because it was cold & wet outside and he knows I have been a little under the weather.  I decided to go.

Last night as we laid in bed, he put his arm around me & pulled me close to him.  I told him I need that & have needed it.  I told him it lets me know he loves me.

He said “I do love you.”

I said, “well, that just helps me to know.”

I know I have explained that to him many times before…and every time I hope it will sink in.

I know touch & time are the most important to me (in love language speak), but I almost feel like the level of  importance of those two things has skyrocketed since D-day.  Perhaps because I feel words are cheap, given that he was telling me he lies during the duration of BOTH affairs.  But time & touch…well, during his second affair he stopped touching me & time….well, time was given to them & taken from me.

I do think this is a rough patch…although that doesn’t make the patch any less thorny to walk through.

After reading through comments on yesterday’s post I was reminded that 2 years in the world of affair recovery is not that long.  I guess in my mind 2 years was the magic number.  I suppose I had read somewhere that “recovery” takes on average 2 years…and I probably held on to that making it my magic number.  Perhaps there is no magic number for healing and/or recovery.  And, FYI, I HATE that there is no road map for this journey.  I am a logical, planning type person.  So to not have a plan to go through each day with emotions swinging from one moment to the next, without any sort of plan as to why, when, or even for how long has been enough to drive me half nuts.

But…this is the road I am on.

Sometime I hit a patch of road with light.

Other times I’m in a dark tunnel with broken head lights.

~RH

 

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3 thoughts on “The Struggle is Real…part 2

  1. Hey RH,
    This is a very positive development. For both of you. I am very happy to read this and that you shared it.
    I have found that although it is a generalisation, males in general need concrete instructions, this means spelled out exactly what you need. Unfortunately, you need to say it often.
    Females, in general read between the lines, and sometimes (actually quite often) they read too much between those lines and see more “rejection” than there is.
    He does love you and he needs to know that touch is what you need. I am sure he likes the touching as well. Great that you went to the game, it obviously meant a lot to him.
    Indeed there is no road map for grieving and no time limit. The feeling sucks, but there is something in there as well that is valuable…grieving means that you loved. People who can not love, do not grieve that long. Loving means being vulnerable. It is brave to be vulnerable. The worst that can happen is that people close themselves off being afraid to get hurt again. This means less pain, but also less love. We need more love, real committed love in our lives.

    Elisabeth

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  2. I’m glad you’re working through this patch. It seems like the thorns are clearing to meadows again. Perhaps, it would be good to share your insight on this pattern with him. And ask if he sees the same cyclical path. Maybe you’ll be able to break out of the cycle together.

    Like

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