It’s been a few months since I last posted.
For various reasons.
One reason is because my personal life has just been a bit busy. It’s summertime. I don’t care what anyone says. Summertime with kids is just as hectic as the school year with kids! Vacation, reunion, taking the kids to the pool, carting them to the fair, or practice…basically part-time, volunteer, cabdriver. But that’s a year-round position these days.
Another reason I haven’t posted is because of work. Things at work are a little bit strained. They have decided to hire someone else. Which would be fine, except due to the circumstances it has left a sour taste in my mouth. I am now in the process of studying for a new license (a new position). And of course I can’t study at work – so I have to study in my “free” time (see above…obviously that’s next to none). If this doesn’t work out…well…I guess I take my current license and go job hunting. Which I don’t want to do, but when the new girl gets paid more money to study than I do (with a license), being told you’re too valuable to move up to a new position…well, you kind of start to feel like a $2 hooker (bad blog site for that pun – sorry).
But, the last reason I haven’t posted much is of course affair related.
It’s been 2 years since D-day. Actually 2 years, 5 months and 12 days since my entire life drastically changed (but who’s counting, right?). In that time I’ve have hundreds of emotional break-downs, multiple emotional blow-ups, thousands of triggers, 7 doctors appointments, 1 biopsy, 1 STD, 1 medical procedure from aforementioned STD, read numerous books, immersed myself in articles and blogs about affairs and recovery….and I’ve had a billion thoughts…about everything in my life.
I’ve counted the cost of his affairs. It’s a lot. Mostly to me (that’s just my opinion – not sure if he feels the same or not, but it really doesn’t matter).
In counting the cost, I’ve realized that I want to get distance from his affairs. I want to move forward in my life. But how?
I spent probably a year (maybe more) trying to distance myself from the affairs by mentally “undoing” my life. I was desperately wishing (as though it would change things) I could undo certain parts of my life. Trying to find one key piece that I could undo. Meeting my husband, dating my husband, marrying my husband, him working out of state, him using a cell phone, or him working where he works, meeting the people he met…what 1 thing could I change that would erase all of this??
It didn’t matter.
No matter what I “undid”, the reality was…it was still done.
So, I read, watched & listened to books, videos, blogs, podcasts – all on affairs and affair recovery. Trying to figure out how to heal and how on earth to move forward with my life.
No matter what I read, watched or listened to, the reality was still there at the end of the book, video or chapter.
He stole the dreams I had for our future.
And in many ways, he stole my past. Or how I remember it at least.
I still feel a hole.
And again, something inside me kept crying out “distance”.
Then it made sense.
As I watched a video one day about affair recovery I had a thought out of nowhere “how long do I watch these? How long do I read these books? When do I say goodbye to living as a woman trying to recover from her husband’s affairs and start to live as the woman I am? When do I stop allowing myself to be defined by my husband’s affairs – as a betrayed woman? Am I broken? Yes. But aren’t we all? ”
So, I haven’t been reading about affair recovery or watching videos about affair recovery.
I found my distance.
And in many ways I’m much happier.
By not watching the videos or reading the books or blogs I’m not denying my reality. I’m just refusing to soak myself in it.
When you’ve been burned by a fire you don’t soak yourself in gasoline. And I think that’s what I had been doing.
I still have triggers & bad days. But, ironically I have fewer now than I had when I was actively reading and watching (“trying to heal”).
I found it.
I no longer feel like I’m running after healing (which I think I actually viewed as running away from his affairs). I now feel like I’m healing by mentally strolling through the park, feeling the sun on my face, the breeze in my hair & listening to the birds sing a sweet tune.
And no, I’m not saying “goodbye” to blogging for good.