To You

To the one whose soul is weary. To the one who feels like they can never get it right. To the one who feels defeated by life. To the one who feels desperate…for something. To the one who feels like her spirit is dry and no matter what she does its not enough.
As I was spending this morning remembering who and whose I am, this song popped into my head. And it occurred to me that maybe someone else needs reminded to.
He loves you dear friend. He split the sea so you could walk right through it. Don’t be defeated. Be loved. And be encouraged today.

flowers

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Changed

I’m pretty sure I’ve written about this before, but maybe not.  And even if I have written about it before, I’m going to write about it again…because it’s what on my mind…and seriously this blog is more about me clearing my head than you reading astounding prose.

So…here it goes.

I’ve changed.

Since D-day I have changed.  And I can’t decide if that’s good or bad.  Maybe it’s a little bit of both.

Examples:

My thought life.  I used to spend large chunks of my day thinking about Hub.  I missed him when we were apart.  I would get excited when it was almost time to see him.  I even missed him when he first moved out.  Then I grew to the point of feeling complete peace with our separation.  But when I would hear the sound of the garage door…ugh… I’d cringe and my stomach would knot.  He would enter that way when he came to pick up the kids or gather a few more items.  Would he want to talk?  Would he ignore me?  I never knew…and I dreaded it either way.

This past Monday I was off work.  He was at work.  He worked 3 hours later than usual.  That night he asked me if I had missed during the day.  And you know what?  I didn’t know how to answer.  Because I didn’t.  It’s not that I was glad he was gone and I was home.  It’s just that I didn’t even think about him during the course of the day.

Part of me is sad I don’t think of him or miss him when we are apart like I used to.  Am I sad because I think I should miss him but don’t?  Or am I sad because I miss that “head over heels” feeling about someone?  I don’t know.

Part of me is relieved I don’t think of him or miss him like used to.  Maybe it isn’t healthy to be that attached to someone.  Maybe I’m emotionally healthier now than I used to be.

Friends. During his second affair is when our friendship unraveled.  Prior to that we were best friends.  We did lots together and talked about everything.  We played games together.  We just enjoyed each others company.

I don’t talk to him as much now.  Is he my friend?  Yeah.  Is he my best friend?  No.  I no longer feel the desire to tell him everything.  And it’s not that I am trying to hide anything.  It’s just that I feel very quiet when I am with him.  More introverted I guess.  Maybe it’s that I’m not ready to share every detail of myself yet.  Maybe as I’ve aged over the past 2 years I have become quieter and it has nothing to do with his affairs.

Celebrations.   Birthdays, holidays…I used to love them all.  Decorations, food, photos, laughter, people…and lots of smiles.  Now…I don’t like them.  I don’t really hate them…I just don’t like them.  I don’t want to buy gifts, I don’t want to decorate, I don’t want do it…any of it.  It’s exhausting.  Can’t I just drink a cup of coffee, read a book & sit in sweats for every single special day (yes – essentially ignoring it)?

Trust.  I’m still trying to figure out what trust is exactly.  I trust my sister.  I don’t trust my brother.  I trust my parents.  I trust my children, but have explained to them that once they break that trust it will be gone.  I don’t trust my decision making abilities.  I do trust my gut more than I used to…but am afraid to put all my trust in “what my gut tells me”, knowing it could lead me down the wrong path.  I don’t distrust my husband.  But  neither do I trust him completely.  I realize that at any moment another affair is possible, so there is no sense in me checking his messages or phone records constantly.  I can never stop it if he wants it to happen.  I’ll just have to wait…and if it ever happens again, deal with it then.

On the flip side of trust is his trust in me.  Sometimes I get the sense he doesn’t trust me.  Maybe it’s because he knows how easy it was for him to cheat.  But, then again, shouldn’t he know what to look for in a cheater? But, maybe he just asks more questions of me in hopes of getting me to talk since I don’t offer up information.

Questions. I’ve heard many betrayed spouses say “the questions are endless”…and this is certainly true in my case.  From the beginning  I opted not to ask many questions  realizing I could never “unknow” any details and that knowledge could possibly feed my fears more than putting them to rest.  On the other hand I have had to fill in the gaps on my own.  In many cases I’ve had to create my own reality out of the little bits I do know.  That’s probably done me no favors.  And some days I wish I could go back in time and pepper him with questions, but then I realize the twisted mess that is my mind and think better of it.

One question has come up over these last few months though.  One question I would never ask Hub, but I will pose here:

How does it feel when you realize you have damaged the love of a good woman?

How does it feel to know your actions have permanently changed who she is?

 

~RH

 

 

Now What?

Those of you who have followed my (seemingly never-ending) journey, know I had a follow-up doctor appointment last week to see if the procedure to remove the precancerous cells worked.  For those of you who are new:  https://regeneratingheart.wordpress.com/2015/05/21/affairs-cancer/

The results came back.  It didn’t work.  Today I will talk to the doctor to discuss my options.

Hub didn’t say anything last night (other than wondering why they would tell me that news yesterday, but then I can’t discuss anything with the doctor until today).

I’m not angry.  I’m not sad.  I’m not even worried.

I’m tired.

Emotionally, mentally & physically tired.

His affairs won’t go away.

They are always in my face.  (And other body parts…ok…not funny – I’m trying.)

Not only can I not seem to heal mentally & emotionally, but now I also can’t seem to heal physically.

And the kicker is he doesn’t have to deal with this.  He did this, yet I’m suffering for it.  I was at home, raising our two children, working full-time, and trying to take care of him because I thought he was having some sort of mental breakdown.  Never dreaming for one second he was diddling someone else.

Oh, sure – he goes to most of my appointments with me, but ultimately it’s me with my feet in the stirrups, being poked and prodded.  At any time, he could get in his truck and drive down the street to be with S…or to Maryland to be with M…or anyone else on earth, and I’m still going to be here dealing with it.  Either way – it’s for me to deal with.

I hope they (S & M) were worth it to him.

~RH

 

Desire

Do you ever have a deep desire to talk to someone?

A longing for companionship?

For someone to really listen to you & get you?

To have a feeling of safety and comfort just in having a conversation?

I feel that right now.

Hard.

The Place Where Dreams Turn in to Nightmares

Last week we went on a family vacation.  And while I hope to write a little review about that vacation (something I don’t normally do here) later, I want to off-load the junk from that week.

One incident in particular.

We arrived in Florida on Sunday late afternoon.  We got settled and the kids swam that night.

On Monday we went as a family to a theme park…all was well – we were having a nice time.

Tuesday we headed to the second theme park…on the way a funny thing happened.  We laughed…and I laughed so hard I cried (a first in many months).  We enjoyed a day of roaming around and riding rides…and even bumping in to a family we know.  It was about an hour and a half until park close…and my husband said “what do you want to do?”

“I don’t care.”

“I’m tired of hearing that come out of your mouth!   Every time I ask you want you want to do that’s what I hear!”

And I shut down.

I was done.

Oh, sure…he tried to talk nice to me (not suck up nice, but like nothing ever happened nice) a few minutes later.  But, it was too little too late.  I was done.  I replied when a reply was needed, but that was all.

Nearly 3 hours later he asked me what was wrong.  I told him I didn’t appreciate being yelled at or talked to that way.  He said “well, every time I ask you, that’s all I’ve heard.”  So, I told him I had given him suggestions throughout the day of what we could see next, yet they weren’t paid attention too.  HOWEVER, I didn’t mind because I felt like we were seeing what the kids wanted to see & I knew that most likely we would get to what I suggested later on, therefore it was NOT a big deal to me.  I had been having a great time, until that moment.

He never apologized.

I still didn’t talk until necessary.

That night he kissed my cheek and told me he loves me.  And I guess that was supposed to be the end of it.

But my feelings were already hurt.

And I had already had the poison run through my head and my heart…”I bet he never yelled at M when he was on vacation with her in Atlantic City!”

Why did my mind instantly go there?

Why does it always?

When will the day come that it doesn’t?

For now it does…that is my reality.  And so…on day 2 at the “happiest place on earth” I walked out sad, emotionally alone, and hurt.

And as we passed through the crowds the rest of the week my mind turned to thoughts of “what if”….

…M is here?

…he sees her?

…they planned to see each other?

…he is looking for her here?

I wouldn’t even know.  I don’t know what she looks like.  She has hidden herself from me.  She has hidden all of her information from me…all I have is her Kik handle, that she lives in Maryland and is mid 30’s.  Apparently she’s also not on social media (or so she told my husband).  Either she’s smart about keeping herself hidden or a coward…I know which one I vote for, but then again I’m biased.  Anyway, I saw a picture once…but I don’t know if it was her or possibly a daughter (if she has a daughter – I don’t know).  So, if she would have been in Florida…if he would have seen her, I wouldn’t have known.

On Sunday we returned to reality…and today it gets really real.  I head to the doctor for my 3 month check up today.  The check up to see if the procedure to remove the precancerous cells worked.  The precancerous cells from HPV.  The HPV I now have from my husband…and either (or possibly both) S or M.

Somebody stop this ride.

I want to get off.

 

Break from Reality

So, here’s a new situation…and I’m partly talking out loud to figure this out and partly curious to see what your thoughts are on this.

The kids have fall break in a couple of weeks.  This year the kids have a week off school.  That’s a first.  Usually it’s just 2 days (4 if you count the weekend).  The kids have activities on both of the weekends, so that limits our options, but we still have 5 days to do something.

I’ve thought of a trip 3-5 hours away.  Camping.  In Michigan, Missouri, or Kentucky.

Hub is wanting to drive to Disney World.  20+ hours away.  And not only is he wanting to drive to Disney World…he seems set on the idea.

Why?

About 4 years ago we flew to Disney World for a whirlwind 3 day trip.  It was exhausting, but fun.  Hub was sick, but even he had fun.  And the grown “macho” man who doesn’t show much excitement said “I want to go back someday!”

The next vacation was just he & I to celebrate our anniversary in Vegas.  Two months later he cheated.

A year later we went back to Florida as a family.  It was a nice trip, but difficult.  He was distant.  I didn’t know why.

Ten months later I finally knew why.

Since then we have gone to Chicago as a couple (for 1 night – that was a horrible joke), South Carolina as a family (nice, but emotional since it was just 2 months after D-day), and Utah (nice, but difficult since less than a week before we left I found out I have HPV due to his affairs and would need a biopsy).

I can’t help but think he is wanting to go back to the last place we were the happiest as a family.  Maybe to build upon those happy times.  Or maybe to see if we can be happy again…knowing we were happy then.  Maybe he is wanting to give us the gift of an untainted trip.  Genuinely happy memories.  Or maybe he just wants to escape reality and that seems like the perfect place.

I don’t feel like we have finances to do that kind of trip right now, and I have expressed that, but I he just seems intent on making it happen.

*****In other news…S put in for a transfer a couple of weeks ago.  Hub saw her name on the transfer list.  I’m not sure if she got it.  I don’t ask about her.

After hub told me he saw her name on the transfer list I realized how many things she has changed in her life in the last 2 years (since the day I let her know I now know about the affair).  In the last two years she (mostly) enters and exits from the back of the subdivision (occasionally I see her enter through the front – but it is rare); she rarely visits her mother (who lives a few houses down from me – she used to visit her almost every day); she bought a new truck (first she removed the multiple decals from her other vehicle…about 6 months later she bought a truck); she has put in for transfers to other shifts and departments at work (she has more seniority than my hub…she could easily work any shift or department she wants and she has left the “easy” departments and shifts where my husband is – I’m guessing to get away from him); she takes a different (and longer) route home from work than she used to.  Has she changed these behaviors because of the affair?  Because of her shame or guilt?  To ease my pain?  To ease her’s?  Or just because they were changes she wanted to make?  I don’t know.  I don’t know that it even matters really.  But I noticed the changes.

******Also, one week from today I go back to the doctor for my 3 month check since my procedure to remove the precancerous cells.  They will retest me & we will know the results a couple of weeks after.  I guess we will know by the end of the month if the procedure worked.

I still wish I would have meant more to my husband.  If not our marriage, at least my physical health.  After all, whether married or not I would always be the mother of his children.  I would be the one raising his children.  I will always need my health.

Mourning Complete?

Today I was thinking about my Grandma & how I miss her.  She’s been gone 4 1/2 years now.

There have been many times through the course of this ordeal that I wish I could talk to her.  Of course she wouldn’t necessarily know what to say to me.  She was married to the love of her life for 49 years.  They loved each other deeply – you could see it every single time you were around my grandparents.

But, it was while I was thinking of her that I realized how I truly feel.  Yes, I miss her…but that constant pain isn’t there anymore.  I can think of her without crying. And then it hit me.  I think I’m done mourning for the marriage and dreams I had.

I haven’t cried about it in a while.  And when I think about the marriage we had and the dreams I had for our future I don’t feel overwhelmingly sad anymore.  It just is.  Much like how I feel when I think about Grandma.

Par For the Course

So, an interesting thing has happened at work.

Rumor has it the outside company that handles our payroll hasn’t been sending in my employer’s match for my retirement plan contribution.

I overheard that rumor yesterday.  I still haven’t been told anything officially, as I suspect they are still checking in to it.

At any rate I filled my husband in on the news yesterday.  And he is livid.  Completely up in arms.  “How could someone do that?  How could they just not send in the match?”

Me?  Eh.  Every time he starts in about it I think “really…this is not the worst thing I’ve ever had to deal with.  It can be fixed – it will be fine.”  I’m not worried about it or even mad about it.

“She (the woman at the accountant’s office responsible for our company accounts) should be fired!  You need to do something!”

And I keep thinking – why?  Why should she be fired for screwing me out of 4 years of my employers match and yet I didn’t divorce you for screwing 2 women and breaking your vows to me?

If I had my pick I’d chose in tact vows over money any day!

Is this supposed to show me something about him?  Does he value money more than vows?  Or is he really that distressed about my retirement?

I guess I feel a little like – well…it’s par for the course of my life.  Screwed out of a good, healthy marriage…screwed out of good physical health…screwed out of years worth of employer match.

I suppose just like everything else, only time will tell how this pans out and where my husband’s concern really lies.  But at this point I really don’t care one way or the other.

~RH

Prayer for Healing

Lord, please heal my broken and hurting heart.  Please rid my mind of the painful triggers, memories and visions.  Please help me to believe that my healing is possible.  Please restore the friendship between Hub and I that has been lost.  Please restore the love that once was there.  Please restore the trust that has been broken.

Where once I felt safety, now I feel vulnerable.  Where once I felt oneness, now I feel alone.  Where once I felt peace, now I feel terror.

Father, I want to feel happy and free again.  I want to feel safe again.  I want to feel as though he and I are best friends again.  Restore it please.  Heal me and heal our relationship.

~Amen

Some times Weird Stuff Hits Me

For some reason today I find myself thinking about the items purchased by my husband’s AP’s and with my husband’s AP’s.

I’m not sure why these items & details come to mind today, but they do.

I know sometime around May 2013 is when S invited my husband in to her home and they had sex.  I know they had sex on other occasions and went camping together after he temporarily moved in with her.  (I was stupid – let me say that right now.  I was stupid enough to believe his lies that he just needed to stay someplace while he figured out “what love is”.  I should have known she was the shelter for wayward husbands.  Had I known then that they were having sex I would have thrown his stuff out on her front lawn.) 

Later on that summer (after we had started counseling and he had moved back in), she bought my husband a superhero t-shirt.  Several people he worked with would chat on a group messaging app.  Each of them was assigned some sort of superhero name.  My husband has never been in to superheroes, so this seemed strange, but whatever – I went with it.  (Again…I sit here and shake my head.  I should have known.)  So, S bought him a shirt with his assigned superhero.  He wore it to work a few times.

One night I was going to take him dinner at work.  He informed me that S got him a milkshake from a diner, so I didn’t need to take him anything.  I still haven’t been able to go to that diner since he told me that.  Ugh.

Then came his birthday.  S bought him a superhero cupcake cake.  I was livid about that.  He texted me – asked me if green icing would turn his poop green.  I did receive mild enjoyment knowing that freaked him out briefly.

Why did she do all this?  She must have wanted something out of him.  A relationship – not just sex.  She must have thought if she showered him with a t-shirt, milkshake & cupcakes, he would leave his wife?!?!  I don’t know.  Or maybe she felt less whore-ish…more girlfriend-like??  Who knows.

The night I caught him messaging M, I called him to tell him I was done he told me neither S nor M meant anything to him.  I told him if they didn’t mean anything to him he should get rid of all reminders of them – including gifts.  He told me he didn’t have anything.  I reminded him of the superhero shirt from S.  He said he forgot about that and to dig through his dresser drawers (told me which one it was probably in) and throw the shirt away.  I threw it away before he even came to the house to talk to me that night.

I wonder if S knows her gift to my husband is in a landfill someplace.

(Do you think I could get a SuperWhore shirt made & throw it on her doorstep?  “S…SuperWHORE”.  Ok – now I’m being mean.)

The shirts my husband bought our children while he was vacationing with M will be donated in 2 weeks.  Hopefully some child can use them and they won’t bring torment to the new family.  They are boxed up and ready to go.  They have been for over a year.  I wasn’t able to make it to the donation/sale last fall – so here they go.  Hub has never asked why the kids don’t wear them anymore.

I wonder if M knows my children are off-limits.  Gifts she helped pick out will be donated to a needy child.

Why are these things bothering me today?

I wish I knew, friends.  Sometimes weird stuff hits me out of nowhere.

~RH