The Sermon that Backfires

In 39 years I’ve sat through LOTS of sermons.  Some sermons have left me feeling loved by our wonderful Heavenly FATHER.  Some sermons have brought me to tears of repentance.  Some have renewed my hope.  Some have called me to action.

And some…well…some have gone like this:

A message is given about how much time we are spending reading the Bible, on our knees, or at church.  We are told that GOD is tired of us playing games & we need to get serious by cutting the non-essentials out of our lives (T.V., social media, sports etc.).  As I sit there I realize I need to do more in my relationship with GOD.  And I resolve that I will do just that.

I leave church and go about my Sunday, spending time with family, baking something in the kitchen for the coming week, folding a load of laundry, maybe reading for a half hour in the living room while the family watches T.V., and SOMETIMES (if I’m really lucky and/or tired) I get a half hour to 45 minute nap.  After evening church we go home get ready for the next day and before bed we do family devotions and prayers.

The next morning I wake up at 5:15 (a full 3 hours before I have to leave for work) so I can spend time in the Word & in prayer (because according to the sermon the day before “10 mins in pitiful”).  With my husband gone for the day before I even get out of bed, I shower, dress & get ready for work – putting on the armor of GOD while I shave my legs.  By 6:30 I’m ready for work.

I go downstairs to find my sweet daughter sitting at the table eating her breakfast.

And here is where it begins.

Do I hide in a corner of the house and pray or do I spend the next 25 mins pouring life into a precious child before her bus comes to take out in to the cruel middle school world?

I choose to pour life into my child instead of hiding away in prayer.

The bus comes – it’s now 7a.m.  And my son sleepily stumbles down the stairs for nothing more than a “good morning” hug.  After a hug and a couple minutes of chit-chat I tell him it’s time to get ready…and I spend the next 25 minutes reminding him what he’s supposed to be doing, while I unload the dishwasher, get dinner started in the crock pot, or make lunch (and who am I kidding – at least once a week I’m doing all of these at the same time) and about that same time my husband has a (approximately) 5 min break at work, so he texts me find out how the morning is going and let me know he loves me.  About 5 minutes after my husband’s break is over it’s time to for the bus to pick up our son.  Some days we wait for the bus together and talk about whatever random thought is in the mind of an 11 year boy.  Other days I’m yelling for him to hurry because the bus is coming down the road.  And then my sweet boy is gone.

I close the door.

I now have 20 minutes before I have to leave for work.

I sit down with my Bible.

I start to read but then I notice a lunch box left on the couch…or remember an item my daughter needs for school the next day that I have to run out on my lunch break (half hour) to get…”I better write myself a note so I don’t forget”.

I look at the clock – it’s time to go to work.

I spend the next 8 hours at work…running at lunch to pick up the necessary items for our family, and maybe scheduling an appointment for one of the kids or making a phone call that needed done – yes – I take care of family business at work many days.

I go home.  Finish up dinner (or start dinner).  Help with homework.  And depending on the day head to a ball game, drop someone off for a practice (or pick someone up), or go to church.

The evening routine consists of devotions and prayers as a family before heading to bed.  And usually within a half hour of the kids going to bed I’m sound asleep…and many days I fall asleep praying.

I wake up the next morning feeling defeated from my lack of “Jesus time” from the day before, so I decide to try it again…reminding myself to cut out a “non-essential”…but what is that?  Spending time with the kids?  Fixing dinner?  Loading the dishwasher?

And so the whole cycle repeats, just like the day before.

After I close the door, I realize I didn’t cut anything out.  I didn’t cut out spending time with the kids.  That seemed wrong.  And I didn’t cut out loading the dishwasher…because…well…honestly, we’re out of forks and need them for dinner tonight.  So, that’s pretty essential – I think.

I look at the clock – it’s time to go to work.

And I drive to work – defeated.  Because according the sermon my “10 minutes of prayer time is pitiful”.  And frankly I’ve probably not even given 10 minutes in 2 days – total.  And since it’s only a 7 minute drive to work, praying on my way to work is even “pitiful”.

And the next day the cycle repeats again.

Only this time, when I shut the door, I walk past the table and chair where my Bible sit.  I don’t stop to read or pray.  Because what’s the point?  “10 minutes is pitiful.”  That’s what the pastor said.

And then defeat takes over for the next several months.

It has taken a long time and many of these cycles to realize the people delivering these messages, the pastors or leaders that are telling us that God wants more from us, probably don’t know what happens in the heart of some moms.

Because they aren’t me.

Or you.

In fact, many of them are very different from us.

Many of them are men.  Some are single.  Some are empty-nesters.

They probably aren’t “band-parents” baking cupcakes for 50 or more kids.  Or giving rides to 3 smelly boys after a hard-fought loss on the football field.  Or discovering nature through the eyes of a child.

And some moms don’t realize this is a tactic of Satan.

After the defeat sets in we begin to wonder if baking the cupcakes or giving part of the football team a ride is a “non-essential” that should be cut out so we can pray or read…

cupcake

But, WHAT IF…

Baking the cupcakes and giving the smelly boys a ride is pleasing to GOD?

What if we are singing praise music while we bake the cupcakes?  What if the kids feel loved when we hand out the cupcakes with a hug and a “good job!  I’m proud of you!”?  And what if that’s the first hug they’ve had this week?

What if the 3 smelly football boys are chatting while Christian music is playing?  And what if the words from the Christian music are planting seeds in their hearts?

What if we cut that out, moms?

What if we cut that out because according to what was said at the pulpit Sunday “it’s time away from GOD.  And we need to cut out the unnecessary stuff of this life.”

What if we didn’t pour life in to our kids…and other kids GOD has placed in our path?

What if we just curl up in a corner, ignoring the world so we can pray and read?

Yes – Jesus went away to spend time in prayer.

But, Jesus also spent time pouring HIS love out on the people in this world.  People who needed love.

We are placed in this world, not to pull completely away & only spend time at church or hiding away in a corner of the house praying.  GOD places us in this world to be “salt & light” (Matthew 5:13-16).

I have had to fight hard against the defeat I feel from messages like this.

I’ve asked GOD to forgive me for my “pitiful” life of prayer & study.

“Please Me.  Not others.”  “Encourage the children now.  They need it so they can encourage others.  And the opportunity to pour into them will be gone soon enough.”  Those have been the words HE has placed in my heart.

And now I worry less about the QUANTITY of time I spend in prayer or reading.  I realize I am at a stage in my life where I do not get 1 hour alone – except for the 1 hour each morning while I get ready for work.  And sometimes that hour gets interrupted.

I worry more about the QUALITY of the time I have.  I spend my morning singing praise music while get ready in the morning or loading the dishwasher.  And my singing is often interspersed with prayers.  I write out Bible verses – some days none.  Some days one.  And sometimes it might take me a week to work through a section of a book calling me “deeper” in my relationship with GOD.

This fall my daughter asked me to start praying the armor on her before she leaves in the morning.  I had been doing that quietly as I get ready for work in the morning.  She never knew.  So we began praying it on together before she leaves.  We don’t remember to do it every day, in fact more days than not she has rushed out the door to catch the bus without us doing it together (although I still do it alone each morning).

But, why did she ask me to do that?

Because I spend time with her in the mornings.  Not locked away alone.  I listen to her heart.  Listen to her fears.  And we pray when the moment calls for it.

And HE has shown me that in just 5 short months my morning routine will change forever. “Soon enough” is just around the corner.  Soon both of them will be getting on the bus at the same time.  Soon I will have a full hour of prayer and study to myself.

But soon is not today.

My heart has been full and I have had so much peace over the past couple of months because I finally stopped trying to live up to pulpit expectations. I stopped letting the enemy play with my mind.

Recently I sat in another service like this.  One that would have left me feeling defeated by the end of the week.  And for the first time EVER I had a heart full of peace.

Peace in knowing that God is pleased with me right where I am today.

Webster

To You

To the one whose soul is weary. To the one who feels like they can never get it right. To the one who feels defeated by life. To the one who feels desperate…for something. To the one who feels like her spirit is dry and no matter what she does its not enough.
As I was spending this morning remembering who and whose I am, this song popped into my head. And it occurred to me that maybe someone else needs reminded to.
He loves you dear friend. He split the sea so you could walk right through it. Don’t be defeated. Be loved. And be encouraged today.

flowers

Changed

I’m pretty sure I’ve written about this before, but maybe not.  And even if I have written about it before, I’m going to write about it again…because it’s what on my mind…and seriously this blog is more about me clearing my head than you reading astounding prose.

So…here it goes.

I’ve changed.

Since D-day I have changed.  And I can’t decide if that’s good or bad.  Maybe it’s a little bit of both.

Examples:

My thought life.  I used to spend large chunks of my day thinking about Hub.  I missed him when we were apart.  I would get excited when it was almost time to see him.  I even missed him when he first moved out.  Then I grew to the point of feeling complete peace with our separation.  But when I would hear the sound of the garage door…ugh… I’d cringe and my stomach would knot.  He would enter that way when he came to pick up the kids or gather a few more items.  Would he want to talk?  Would he ignore me?  I never knew…and I dreaded it either way.

This past Monday I was off work.  He was at work.  He worked 3 hours later than usual.  That night he asked me if I had missed during the day.  And you know what?  I didn’t know how to answer.  Because I didn’t.  It’s not that I was glad he was gone and I was home.  It’s just that I didn’t even think about him during the course of the day.

Part of me is sad I don’t think of him or miss him when we are apart like I used to.  Am I sad because I think I should miss him but don’t?  Or am I sad because I miss that “head over heels” feeling about someone?  I don’t know.

Part of me is relieved I don’t think of him or miss him like used to.  Maybe it isn’t healthy to be that attached to someone.  Maybe I’m emotionally healthier now than I used to be.

Friends. During his second affair is when our friendship unraveled.  Prior to that we were best friends.  We did lots together and talked about everything.  We played games together.  We just enjoyed each others company.

I don’t talk to him as much now.  Is he my friend?  Yeah.  Is he my best friend?  No.  I no longer feel the desire to tell him everything.  And it’s not that I am trying to hide anything.  It’s just that I feel very quiet when I am with him.  More introverted I guess.  Maybe it’s that I’m not ready to share every detail of myself yet.  Maybe as I’ve aged over the past 2 years I have become quieter and it has nothing to do with his affairs.

Celebrations.   Birthdays, holidays…I used to love them all.  Decorations, food, photos, laughter, people…and lots of smiles.  Now…I don’t like them.  I don’t really hate them…I just don’t like them.  I don’t want to buy gifts, I don’t want to decorate, I don’t want do it…any of it.  It’s exhausting.  Can’t I just drink a cup of coffee, read a book & sit in sweats for every single special day (yes – essentially ignoring it)?

Trust.  I’m still trying to figure out what trust is exactly.  I trust my sister.  I don’t trust my brother.  I trust my parents.  I trust my children, but have explained to them that once they break that trust it will be gone.  I don’t trust my decision making abilities.  I do trust my gut more than I used to…but am afraid to put all my trust in “what my gut tells me”, knowing it could lead me down the wrong path.  I don’t distrust my husband.  But  neither do I trust him completely.  I realize that at any moment another affair is possible, so there is no sense in me checking his messages or phone records constantly.  I can never stop it if he wants it to happen.  I’ll just have to wait…and if it ever happens again, deal with it then.

On the flip side of trust is his trust in me.  Sometimes I get the sense he doesn’t trust me.  Maybe it’s because he knows how easy it was for him to cheat.  But, then again, shouldn’t he know what to look for in a cheater? But, maybe he just asks more questions of me in hopes of getting me to talk since I don’t offer up information.

Questions. I’ve heard many betrayed spouses say “the questions are endless”…and this is certainly true in my case.  From the beginning  I opted not to ask many questions  realizing I could never “unknow” any details and that knowledge could possibly feed my fears more than putting them to rest.  On the other hand I have had to fill in the gaps on my own.  In many cases I’ve had to create my own reality out of the little bits I do know.  That’s probably done me no favors.  And some days I wish I could go back in time and pepper him with questions, but then I realize the twisted mess that is my mind and think better of it.

One question has come up over these last few months though.  One question I would never ask Hub, but I will pose here:

How does it feel when you realize you have damaged the love of a good woman?

How does it feel to know your actions have permanently changed who she is?

 

~RH

 

 

Now What?

Those of you who have followed my (seemingly never-ending) journey, know I had a follow-up doctor appointment last week to see if the procedure to remove the precancerous cells worked.  For those of you who are new:  https://regeneratingheart.wordpress.com/2015/05/21/affairs-cancer/

The results came back.  It didn’t work.  Today I will talk to the doctor to discuss my options.

Hub didn’t say anything last night (other than wondering why they would tell me that news yesterday, but then I can’t discuss anything with the doctor until today).

I’m not angry.  I’m not sad.  I’m not even worried.

I’m tired.

Emotionally, mentally & physically tired.

His affairs won’t go away.

They are always in my face.  (And other body parts…ok…not funny – I’m trying.)

Not only can I not seem to heal mentally & emotionally, but now I also can’t seem to heal physically.

And the kicker is he doesn’t have to deal with this.  He did this, yet I’m suffering for it.  I was at home, raising our two children, working full-time, and trying to take care of him because I thought he was having some sort of mental breakdown.  Never dreaming for one second he was diddling someone else.

Oh, sure – he goes to most of my appointments with me, but ultimately it’s me with my feet in the stirrups, being poked and prodded.  At any time, he could get in his truck and drive down the street to be with Stacey…or to Maryland to be with MistiCutie…or anyone else on earth, and I’m still going to be here dealing with it.  Either way – it’s for me to deal with.

I hope she (Stacey & MistiCutie) were worth it to him.

~RH

 

Desire

Do you ever have a deep desire to talk to someone?

A longing for companionship?

For someone to really listen to you & get you?

To have a feeling of safety and comfort just in having a conversation?

I feel that right now.

Hard.

The Best and Worst of Disney World Resorts & Transportation

So here’s the scoop.  We went to Disney World last week.  It’s the 2nd time we’ve been to Disney World in 4 years (and 2 years ago we just did Downtown Disney & the Boardwalk without going to the parks).  So, I’m not an expert, but I feel like I’m starting to get the hang of this Disney thing.  During my trips I’ve picked up on a few things that might help you plan your next trip.

Four years ago we stayed at the All-Star Movie Resort.  It’s a pretty standard hotel room, but of course you have the “Disney Magic” of Mickey soaps, towels in the shape of Mickey, and Disney decor around the outside of the hotel and pool areas.

The pools were nice – nothing fancy, but a nice pool.

And of course, they (as well, as all Disney Resort hotels) offer transportation to all the theme parks, other resort hotels & Downtown Disney (now called Disney Springs).

And, you also receive the perk of “Extra Magic Hours” (the parks either open early or stay open later for hotel guests on certain days).   If you fly in to Orlando and stay at a Resort they will pick you up from the airport (we did this).  They have the entire transportation thing down to a science!

We also purchased a meal plan since we didn’t have a car to drive anyplace off property for meals.

Two years ago we stayed off property at a nice extended stay hotel.  The hotel was about 20 minutes away from Disney.  Nothing fancy, but it had a kitchen where I cooked about half of our meals.

It had a pool, but since we had to drive (and try to park each day we didn’t have time to use it).

Since we stayed at this hotel we had to drive to Downtown Disney (where parking was a nightmare) and the Boardwalk (again – a nightmare to park).  And while finding your way around the entire Disney area isn’t terribly difficult, it can be overwhelming if you aren’t 100% sure about where you are headed.

This time we stayed at Fort Wilderness Campground.

We pulled our camper, which meant we needed extra days for travel.  Once we got there, the line of campers & RV’s to get in was backed in to the road.  We sat in the middle of road for several minutes waiting for the line to clear up enough so we could pull in without our camper hanging out in to the road!  Once we pulled in, we headed to registration where we were assigned our campsite.  But, before we pulled away he asked if we had a dog (this is the only property that allows dogs).  And we did have our dog – we stated that when we made our reservation.  So, he gave us another campsite in the “dog friendly area”.  So, we pulled our camper to our site…and found another camper sitting in that site.  So, we pulled the camper back up to the front (where we now sat in a small area – against the flow of traffic) and my husband hopped out, went up front & was given a new site.  We pulled our camper to our new site and were immediately frustrated.  Although the pad was nice & big as stated, the street area given to whip a 5th wheel in to place was tiny.  But, luckily with the help of the “neighbor” my husband was able to get the camper in to place.  And, once we were set up it was wonderful!

The campground has several comfort stations, however I never went in to any, but I heard a couple of women on a bus one day talk about them (they were impressed) so I assume they were clean.

The campground has 2 pools.  We never went to 1 of the pools (it was too far), but the pool we went to was great.  It had a water slide, a splash pad, hot tub, good size pool, and a playground nearby.

The campground offers transportation…and let me just say, this is when I discovered not all Disney Transportation is created equal.  All “All-Star” Resorts share buses to get everyplace (there are 3 “All-Star” Resorts).  So, it seems like you are always in line to board a bus, and rarely get to sit on a bus (when you do finally get to board a bus you are most likely standing, which isn’t normally a big deal, unless you have walked theme parks all day and/or have tired children).   With the campground we had bus transportation to get every where, except the Magic Kingdom which you take a boat to get to.  We never waited long to board a bus (or boat) and only shared a bus from Epcot with Wilderness Lodge.  Which means we almost always had a seat & were never on a bus (or boat) for very long.   (This campground does have cabins, so you can still fly in to Orlando, have the Disney bus pick you up at the airport & they will drop you off at the campground for your cabin stay.)

We still received “Extra Magic Hours” by staying at the campground, since it is considered a resort property.

Since we had the camper we were able to save lots of money on meals.  We ate breakfast at the camper every morning and packed snacks to take to the theme parks.  We mixed up how we ate lunches and dinners.  Two days we packed PB&J’s to take to the parks for lunch (you can take food in to the parks, they don’t mind).  One day we bought lunch at a counter service place – it was nearly $65 for 4 people (chicken bites – not filet mignon, people).  I can’t imagine if we had bought lunch all 5 days!  YIKES!  One day we ate dinner at a park and another day we ate dinner on the Boardwalk.  On the other nights we ate late dinners at the camper – sloppy joes or something quick.  We did buy snacks a couple of times, but shared.  Also, I read that all the parks have free cups of ice water at counter service places if you ask.  So I tried that this time.  Yep – they do.  But they are kid cups.  If you are thirsty you’ll need a couple!  Also, if you are in line for a ride (such as a roller coaster) you don’t have anything to do with the cup (should you be savoring the tiny amount of water) once you board.  I started taking a bottle of cold water & refilling it at water fountains – it was much more convenient.  I could drink while I was in line, eating a granola bar – put the lid back on & put it in my backpack for the ride!

Fort Wilderness also had lots of activities we didn’t have time to participate in, such as movies (I think almost every night they showed a movie), campfire, sing-a-longs, games, horseback riding, biking/running trails…and so much more!

Hopefully these help you plan your next trip.

The Place Where Dreams Turn in to Nightmares

Last week we went on a family vacation.  And while I hope to write a little review about that vacation (something I don’t normally do here) later, I want to off-load the junk from that week.

One incident in particular.

We arrived in Florida on Sunday late afternoon.  We got settled and the kids swam that night.

On Monday we went as a family to a theme park…all was well – we were having a nice time.

Tuesday we headed to the second theme park…on the way a funny thing happened.  We laughed…and I laughed so hard I cried (a first in many months).  We enjoyed a day of roaming around and riding rides…and even bumping in to a family we know.  It was about an hour and a half until park close…and my husband said “what do you want to do?”

“I don’t care.”

“I’m tired of hearing that come out of your mouth!   Every time I ask you want you want to do that’s what I hear!”

And I shut down.

I was done.

Oh, sure…he tried to talk nice to me (not suck up nice, but like nothing ever happened nice) a few minutes later.  But, it was too little too late.  I was done.  I replied when a reply was needed, but that was all.

Nearly 3 hours later he asked me what was wrong.  I told him I didn’t appreciate being yelled at or talked to that way.  He said “well, every time I ask you, that’s all I’ve heard.”  So, I told him I had given him suggestions throughout the day of what we could see next, yet they weren’t paid attention too.  HOWEVER, I didn’t mind because I felt like we were seeing what the kids wanted to see & I knew that most likely we would get to what I suggested later on, therefore it was NOT a big deal to me.  I had been having a great time, until that moment.

He never apologized.

I still didn’t talk until necessary.

That night he kissed my cheek and told me he loves me.  And I guess that was supposed to be the end of it.

But my feelings were already hurt.

And I had already had the poison run through my head and my heart…”I bet he never yelled at MistiCutie when he was on vacation with her in Atlantic City!”

Why did my mind instantly go there?

Why does it always?

When will the day come that it doesn’t?

For now it does…that is my reality.  And so…on day 2 at the “happiest place on earth” I walked out sad, emotionally alone, and hurt.

And as we passed through the crowds the rest of the week my mind turned to thoughts of “what if”….

…MistiCutie is here?

…he sees her?

…they planned to see each other?

…he is looking for her here?

I wouldn’t even know.  I don’t know what she looks like.  She has hidden herself from me.  She has hidden all of her information from me…all I have is her Kik handle, that she lives in Maryland and is mid 30’s.  Apparently she’s also not on social media (or so she told my husband).  Either she’s smart about keeping herself hidden or a coward…I know which one I vote for, but then again I’m biased.  Anyway, I saw a picture once…but I don’t know if it was her or possibly a daughter (if she has a daughter – I don’t know).  So, if she would have been in Florida…if he would have seen her, I wouldn’t have known.

On Sunday we returned to reality…and today it gets really real.  I head to the doctor for my 3 month check up today.  The check up to see if the procedure to remove the precancerous cells worked.  The precancerous cells from HPV.  The HPV I now have from my husband…and either (or possibly both) Stacey or MistiCutie.

Somebody stop this ride.

I want to get off.

 

Break from Reality

So, here’s a new situation…and I’m partly talking out loud to figure this out and partly curious to see what your thoughts are on this.

The kids have fall break in a couple of weeks.  This year the kids have a week off school.  That’s a first.  Usually it’s just 2 days (4 if you count the weekend).  The kids have activities on both of the weekends, so that limits our options, but we still have 5 days to do something.

I’ve thought of a trip 3-5 hours away.  Camping.  In Michigan, Missouri, or Kentucky.

Hub is wanting to drive to Disney World.  20+ hours away.  And not only is he wanting to drive to Disney World…he seems set on the idea.

Why?

About 4 years ago we flew to Disney World for a whirlwind 3 day trip.  It was exhausting, but fun.  Hub was sick, but even he had fun.  And the grown “macho” man who doesn’t show much excitement said “I want to go back someday!”

The next vacation was just he & I to celebrate our anniversary in Vegas.  Two months later he cheated.

A year later we went back to Florida as a family.  It was a nice trip, but difficult.  He was distant.  I didn’t know why.

Ten months later I finally knew why.

Since then we have gone to Chicago as a couple (for 1 night – that was a horrible joke), South Carolina as a family (nice, but emotional since it was just 2 months after D-day), and Utah (nice, but difficult since less than a week before we left I found out I have HPV due to his affairs and would need a biopsy).

I can’t help but think he is wanting to go back to the last place we were the happiest as a family.  Maybe to build upon those happy times.  Or maybe to see if we can be happy again…knowing we were happy then.  Maybe he is wanting to give us the gift of an untainted trip.  Genuinely happy memories.  Or maybe he just wants to escape reality and that seems like the perfect place.

I don’t feel like we have finances to do that kind of trip right now, and I have expressed that, but I he just seems intent on making it happen.

*****In other news…Stacey put in for a transfer a couple of weeks ago.  Hub saw her name on the transfer list.  I’m not sure if she got it.  I don’t ask about her.

After hub told me he saw her name on the transfer list I realized how many things she has changed in her life in the last 2 years (since the day I let her know I now know about the affair).  In the last two years she (mostly) enters and exits from the back of the subdivision (occasionally I see her enter through the front – but it is rare); she rarely visits her mother (who lives a few houses down from me – she used to visit her almost every day); she bought a new truck (first she removed the multiple decals from her other vehicle…about 6 months later she bought a truck); she has put in for transfers to other shifts and departments at work (she has more seniority than my hub…she could easily work any shift or department she wants and she has left the “easy” departments and shifts where my husband is – I’m guessing to get away from him); she takes a different (and longer) route home from work than she used to.  Has she changed these behaviors because of the affair?  Because of her shame or guilt?  To ease my pain?  To ease her’s?  Or just because they were changes she wanted to make?  I don’t know.  I don’t know that it even matters really.  But I noticed the changes.

******Also, one week from today I go back to the doctor for my 3 month check since my procedure to remove the precancerous cells.  They will retest me & we will know the results a couple of weeks after.  I guess we will know by the end of the month if the procedure worked.

I still wish I would have meant more to my husband.  If not our marriage, at least my physical health.  After all, whether married or not I would always be the mother of his children.  I would be the one raising his children.  I will always need my health.

Mourning Complete?

Today I was thinking about my Grandma & how I miss her.  She’s been gone 4 1/2 years now.

There have been many times through the course of this ordeal that I wish I could talk to her.  Of course she wouldn’t necessarily know what to say to me.  She was married to the love of her life for 49 years.  They loved each other deeply – you could see it every single time you were around my grandparents.

But, it was while I was thinking of her that I realized how I truly feel.  Yes, I miss her…but that constant pain isn’t there anymore.  I can think of her without crying. And then it hit me.  I think I’m done mourning for the marriage and dreams I had.

I haven’t cried about it in a while.  And when I think about the marriage we had and the dreams I had for our future I don’t feel overwhelmingly sad anymore.  It just is.  Much like how I feel when I think about Grandma.

Par For the Course

So, an interesting thing has happened at work.

Rumor has it the outside company that handles our payroll hasn’t been sending in my employer’s match for my retirement plan contribution.

I overheard that rumor yesterday.  I still haven’t been told anything officially, as I suspect they are still checking in to it.

At any rate I filled my husband in on the news yesterday.  And he is livid.  Completely up in arms.  “How could someone do that?  How could they just not send in the match?”

Me?  Eh.  Every time he starts in about it I think “really…this is not the worst thing I’ve ever had to deal with.  It can be fixed – it will be fine.”  I’m not worried about it or even mad about it.

“She (the woman at the accountant’s office responsible for our company accounts) should be fired!  You need to do something!”

And I keep thinking – why?  Why should she be fired for screwing me out of 4 years of my employers match and yet I didn’t divorce you for screwing 2 women and breaking your vows to me?

If I had my pick I’d chose in tact vows over money any day!

Is this supposed to show me something about him?  Does he value money more than vows?  Or is he really that distressed about my retirement?

I guess I feel a little like – well…it’s par for the course of my life.  Screwed out of a good, healthy marriage…screwed out of good physical health…screwed out of years worth of employer match.

I suppose just like everything else, only time will tell how this pans out and where my husband’s concern really lies.  But at this point I really don’t care one way or the other.

~RH